Back to the swamp

Well my noodle’s full of dumb thoughts again. Need to get them out somehow…

Taylor Dayne’s “Love will lead you back” just played and I realized that the sentiment expressed in the song is, well, BULL SHIT. Well maybe just for me that is. I have 4 kids with my ex, who still lives in my family’s home that I grew up in, and is surrounded by pictures of my parents, but she acts as though she’s never knew me and we’ve never were married..

All I want now is to finally be understood. Is that asking for too much? Especially from the “best” friends I’ve known for 30+ years, my own sister, and yes even the ex. I don’t want them to help or even try to fix things anymore. They have all shown, from day one, they couldn’t give a flying f#$%. Just to hear them say, “I understand what you’ve gone through” and hopefully mean it. Yet, none of them care or even believe what I’ve been through. Yes, why even look to them to understand? Why should it matter? Because I need it…

I’ve heard, until I want to just beat my head with a hammer, “you need to be happy with you” and “you need to make peace with yourself” among several other fortune cookie sayings that people who, let’s be honest, care as much as people who say, “if you ever need something” at funerals do. Well, knowing myself, I know I need other’s understanding. Sorry, that’s been me ever since I was a 5 year old neurotic. I’ve been told, since my wife ended our marriage, that I shouldn’t feel this or that and I should do this or that, but never heard the words “I understand” come from any of them. Don’t get me wrong, I have heard it from others, but never from the one’s I held close to me. So when I lost her, I lost all of them too.

Well I do know me. I know I can’t function on my own as good as other’s can. I’ve always known that. I know I rely on other’s opinions, help. and presence. I know I have no interest in hobbies nor have I ever. I know my brain runs a mile a minute and I know I can’t calm it and I never could. These are just the tip of what I know of me. I’m sorry, I truly believe that some people can’t just change that easily, not on their own anyways. Yes, cyber friends are great. I have several dozen faceless and bodiless friends. They all send me the fortune cookie quotes and the inspirational pictures. They “like” my funny things and send hugs for my rants. Then when their little green dot disappears, they are gone and I realize that I am still alone, haven’t had any real world human contact other than my kids, every other weekend. I haven’t gone to a party, sat at a campfire, or even had dinner with another adult for almost 3 years, that is unless I would pay them to, which I haven’t, yet..

Apparently, I am Facebook good looking. Several women, all of whom attached and miles away, have told me so. It almost helps me to keep my head held high, as the ladies I greet in public all seem to get sour faced and oblivious to me. Also, it gives me a false sense of confidence that is completely broken by the absolute horror shows I get “likes” from on the dating sites. So, yeah, add that to the fact that my ex left me for a man 20 yrs older than her, who in my opinion, smokes like a chimney and kind of looks like the ash tray he uses, I’m left feeling a bit on the self hating band wagon. Of course, I’m learning that the more money you have and can give, the uglier and older you can be. So I guess I’m going to die alone. Hopefully sooner than later..