Back to the dark… Thoughts..

I haven’t been able to get centered. I’ve tried all the learned exercises and even unconventional ones, but I can’t shake the overwhelming dread I have. Bills, money, loneliness, the holiday by myself, again. Three years ago was the last “family” Christmas before she and he took them away from me. The kids excitement, the family breakfast when everyone came over, holding the love of my life as we watched the kids run and play. Two years have come and gone alone. No celebrating, no decorations, and a visit with my kids who are going through Christmas burn out on the 26th. No calls or visits by friends or family, just a sad ride to and from my old home with my kids afterwards.

I know they say it takes more strength to not commit suicide than to do it, but I sit here with the twist thoughts of what tomorrow will bring and I just give in to the idea and live in the pain. Sure the therapy helps, while you are sitting across from the therapist. I want to enjoy the season, but it’s not set up to be one for a heartbroken depressed person. There are no reassuring songs or stories. Hell, even Scrooge has people trying to be supportive to him, something I can say without a doubt I don’t. I don’t want a pity invite either, that’s never been who I was. honestly the way these last few years have gone, I don’t really think I have any friends or family that would give me an invite anyway.

I sit around thinking of everyone from my ex to the sad old guy in the apartment way across the complex. I don’t think anyone spends a second on me.