Another late night

I hate I’m back in the endless no sleep nights and days again. I just want normal without this being it. But, that’s the thing, this has become the “normal”. Not sleeping, stressing every night, over eating, and just hating the dawn of a new day.

For 4 years I’ve had to “restart” several times over and over. Some people think that it’s a great thing to be able to start fresh, they already have all they need. They haven’t lost everything that matters and more, over and over. What little faith I used to have about the “better tomorrow” is long gone after the 4th better tomorrow I’ve had to endure. By the 6th and 7th it stops being a wonderful thing.

What little faith I have keeps the razor and noose at bay. Keeps the pills in the cupboard.

I love my kids, but I can’t tell you the last time any of them or anyone has just shown up or called. It’s been me calling, begging for a relationship and for attention.

EDIT: I really don’t know why I keep writing. It’s not helping and going back to read stuff makes me realize I am what people think of me. Longing for attention. An attention whore.

Truth is, I’ve hated myself for so long, I don’t know any other way. As much as I try and do all the things my therapist and psychiatrist ask of me, it just doesn’t seem to work, which is more of an example of me not caring then them being wrong.