Another February come and gone

I’m feeling defeated today. Left for work with dishes in the sink and an unmade bed. I skipped breakfast. All I want to do right now is shut out the world, which unfortunately you can’t do with a sales job. The drive to work seemed to take longer than usual and the atmosphere at work is kind of numb, which is about the only normal of today.

I know it’s part of the BPD to think that I am less than and feel left out or looked over by people, but I just feel very unimportant and useless here. I literally know how to do everyone’s job here while the others know just theirs. Every day, I listen to the sales manager and the cashier/title clerk talk. joke, and discuss work without so much including me. I have been regulated to dealing with the more undesirable calls and customers. For 2 years and I am still talked down to as if I don’t do anything. I have kept this place viable by working with Craigslist, Facebook, and NY DMV. I have saved this place a number of times as far as the ability to perform the DMV stuff and stay open through the covid shut down of 2020. Yet, I am looked at and treated like the kid that gets carts at the grocery store.

I had a quiet moment here so for shits and giggles I check Match. I don’t subscribe and everything is blurred out and I can only talk to the ones I did while a member. The last lady I was trying to get to know gave me the brush off a few weeks ago saying things were going crazy in her life and she didn’t have time. In fact, she stated that she was just deleting her whole account. Guess who is still there and was online a few hours ago? It’s hard not to take things personally when they just seem to happen over and over again. Once again my ex comes to mind. The fact that she jumped straight into a relationship with another that I just can’t see where the attraction is. It’s hard to realize that you are or have become an undesirable nobody in 20 years of marriage.

I know the answers. Beauty is also what you project and your personality, blah, blah, yadda, yadda…

As I said, I’m defeated.