Advice?

YouTube is full of advice. How to start over? How to move on from an ex? How to forget someone? How to make yourself happy? All kinds of advice.

The one thing that is similar with all of these is the types of people giving the advice. Maybe I am a bitter asshole, but with every single one of these knowledgable advice-givers on life people are good-looking and obviously well off. I love how traditionally beautiful people can tell me that I don’t need a relationship, with the fact that they can pick and choose as easily as changing socks. They sit in their lovely homes telling you that, like you, they have been through the horrible loneliness and mountains of debt. Sure they have… Yeah… Being able to choose to be alone when all you have to do is spend a minute in the world and have several people come up to you and compliment you or ask you to have a drink or dinner is exactly my problem as a slightly over-weight, bald, 51-year-old man without a pot to piss in. It’s just that easy, right?

They all say “surround yourself with friends and family” they will support you and help you through. Go here or there, take a trip, exercise, or get a hobby. It worked for them. I’m sure it had nothing to do with their looks or finances. Find a new relationship. Like I said, one minute out in the world they will have several people approaching them. I can’t even get a person to return my salutations at the store.

“You don’t know if you haven’t tried.” I have and I have failed at every attempt.

My only friends nowadays are you. Online friends that I may never meet in real life. I appreciate all of you.

I have these moments where I just cannot regulate my feelings and thoughts. I am so down that I want to end it all. How does that saying go? “If you feel like you may harm yourself, call someone.” “If you’re depressed, reach out.” My favorite has come from my friends and family “if you want to talk or vent, we’re here” BULL SHIT. They have never been there for me, not since day one. They have chided me for feeling sad and lost. They have made my pain their own as if I ruined their lives. They never answer calls or texts, let alone reply either way. The HOTLINES are a crock. They’re scripted crap that these people are told to read. I understand that they field hundreds of calls, but do they help? “Why do you feel like this?” “That’s awful.” “Life is tough and I am sorry you feel like this.” No real personal talk. No real answers, just take my bad feelings and essentially turn it back on me to figure it out. Same as the therapy I have had. Maybe a few things to do like learning to focus and calm your mind, but 90% of the time they ask the same questions for money that you get on a free crisis line.

Maybe it’s me? Maybe I just can’t be helped? Maybe over the course of my 51 years, people have done everything to try and help me and show me I was doing it wrong and I was too pig-headed to understand and now they just have given up? Instead of being the empathic and giving person, I think I am, I was actually an asshole taking what I wanted from everyone who would touch my life. I tortured Patty for 20 years, taking and taking and never giving back. I must have mentally abused her and beat her in my sleep and the poor timid girl was just too afraid to leave me until her friends and her 20 year older sugar daddy came along and gave her the strength to leave me?  Maybe all the things I did for her, my kids, friends, and family were all part of my psychosis?

That must be it…