Acceptance???

I spent the night dreaming of being with my ex-wife. We were together and the fact she had left me and remarried was evident, but we were in a new home, just her and me. The house seemed to be a combination of older places we lived and straight made-up ones I may have thought about. it was just her and me, no kids, and we were cleaning and had several teenage kids helping clear out the junk that was left behind. I woke up at 3:30 am and have been up since.

I think the writing is on the wall going forward, I’m totally on my own. I lost count on the days I have sat around waiting for someone to call or message me. She, Patty, has totally cut me and the memory of our relationship out of her life. I believe in much the same way that she wishes our kids weren’t mine and somehow his. I’m losing the memories of her touch, the warmth of her body, and the smell of her hair. I can’t get or stay warm in bed as I did back then. I can’t remember who I was for the last 48 years of my life since this has happened. I can only remember the hurt and anguish of the last 3. Losing her, friends, and family. Covid panic and now the whole Russian thing and how the prices of things going sky high to a point where I have to choose between eating and paying rent or gas for my truck to get to work. I’m not a young man anymore and the shit food that is cheap will only make me sick.

So, I’m going to have to accept that my dreams are over. The only life I wanted will never happen. No one will come into my life to help make the loneliness and sadness go away. That the days of family Christmases, Easters, and Thanksgiving are over or that my Birthday is just another day that I somehow annoy people about. The only people that will seem to really care will be paid professionals. I have to accept that I will have to work until the day I die and when I do it will be nothing but a burden on my children. I have to accept that I’ve totally fucked up my life with all the stupid easy choices I made throughout my entire adult life.

I’m stuck with a $55,000.00 student loan for a wasted degree in a field I had no hope of getting into, that I deferred for 16 years and will not be in any financial place to make the payments along with rent, child support, and the 2 loans I was stuck with paying off. I didn’t fight for my right 1/2 share of my home in the divorce that would have to give me a start on this whole new life, instead, I thought of my children and my poor ex’s wellbeing. I more or less gave her new Husband possibly the best relationship a man could ask for, an instant life without all the terrible living one must do to make it. He got a beautiful wife, great kids, a home with no mortgage, and all the stuff a man could want and no one has the slightest of guilt or pity for me.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Where was God for me? I spent the first 18 years of my life in the church. I prayed and worshipped like a fanatic. I took pride in being an acolyte and an altar boy, lighting the candles, helping with communion. Like a freak, I went to everyone to share the blessing and sat wide-eyed as I was confirmed. WHY??? For both of my marriages to fail? For my 22-year-old daughter to die and also be responsible for killing her friends several years before in an accident? My daughter had such a shitty life even with as much as I could do for her, which in retrospect, wasn’t enough. For having to spend the last few years of my Mother’s life, the one person that was always there for me, as her dementia made her say the evilest and vile things a Mother could ever say to her child. Then she die a little over a year later, to take my Wife from me and give her to a man that had done nothing but live a crap life. As the lovely pastor who counseled me and also knew this man told me how he “came” to the church. So this f#$k gets my wife, kids, home, and possessions because he all of a sudden came to Jesus??? Me though, I have to endure yet one more “test” in a 30+ year “test” of faith? This “caring” man of God pastor married them, knowing full well that their relationship was built on adultery.

I think I have finally have got to a point where I’m “brave enough” to do it. That long walk off a short pier. That falling without a parachute. That not using the brake at a busy intersection. I’m a burden, a problem, embarrassment, annoyance, mistake, joke, and failure to everyone in my life. how would staying around or not be anything different? I would just leave and go if I had the money to, but I don’t, I am in a deep hole that I and they dug for myself and I don’t see any way out.