4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Is it???

Yeah. I kind of lost it yesterday. 😒 Sorry…

So, hard truths. I have clinical depression. Having discussed it with my Therapist and Psychologist for the past 2 years, I guess I’ve had it for a while now, even before the break-up. The relationship’s ending just put me into a downward spiral I was on, just way faster. I feel like I’m at a point, like an addict, where I understand I have a problem and want to fix me, but my “triggers” are all around me and I’m weak. I take the pills and do the therapy, when I can afford to. I have done the “tricks”, moved to a new town, changed my apartment around, several times, meditated, and even listened to hypnosis tapes. I should’ve been committed when I had my mental break after the separation. I know, be a man and suck it down, but I couldn’t. Close relations knew and saw what was happening to me and as I have said, in every single entry, did nothing. I guess you can say I survived by giving into the depression and like drinking a shot of anti-freeze a day, it damaged me to the point where some stuff ain’t repairable.

Why my title? The 5 stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I guess I’ve been stuck in depression so long that acceptance doesn’t want to happen. Actually I think I’m in a mutated form of the first 4 all jumbled up into 1.

More hard truths, I was raised a momma’s boy. I was cuddled, doted on, and over cared for. I wasn’t spoiled by any means, but I was mostly “bailed out” by my parents, of course by my mom’s insistance to my dad. That went on like that well into my 30’s, so yes even when I was married to the ex. Then dad died and mom got dementia and my “free ride” was over and life poured in hard. I turned to my ex and made her “the listener” and expected her to hug me when I was down, support me when life got away from me, and just be there. I was in no way just a lump waiting on her, I did my part. She never went a day without hearing me telling her she was gorgeous and how I loved her so much, when I was home before her I would clean everything so she wouldn’t have to and as the boy’s grew, I taught them to do that too. Most of time I would have dinner waiting for her and it might sound like a lie after what I just wrote, but I let her talk and bitch about her day and I did everything to cheer her up. Yet, the selfish, cuddled, and doted on little boy in me wanted, expected the same. I’ve learned that I was stupid to believe that 2 people can and will love the same way and I was stupid to believe that a person would “discuss” if there was an issue that would damage that love.  Maybe all those people from the older generations, like my parents and grand parents didn’t truly love each other and just stayed out of obligation, secretly hating each other. Maybe my grandfather died because he died and not because my grandmother died a couple days earlier and he was lost and broken hearted without her. I guess I am just dumb to think so.

4 out of 5 times, I give up and quit when things get hard. The piano and saxophone when I was young, JV football and regents courses in high school, jobs as an adult. I think I have answered every single question I have had about Patty leaving me why she did for a more consistent and less whiny older copy of me.

Yes, I have some pretty horrible thing happen to me. like the death of my daughter, but short of that I am the cause of all my grief, pain, and loss. 4 out of 5 times it was all me that damaged my life. I deserve to be where I am, who I am, and how I am.