3/3/2022 Just feeling shitty.

I feel like crap. Mentally, Emotionally, Financially, and Physically. Just blah. I want to just crawl in a hole and die. I’m taking shit from all sides lately and I can’t stop it or even understand it. I’m too old to become someone who just doesn’t give a shit about what people say or do or what I say or do. Maybe I don’t understand empathy. Maybe I’m not empathetic at all. Maybe I have been a pushover for the last 35 years and I just said it was empathy. All I know is I’ve become so used to it I don’t know how to stop and it’s tearing me apart.

I lost both of my marriages because I didn’t put up a fight. I came out on the losing hand in the divorces because I didn’t want to put up a fight. I was used by friends and family because I didn’t want to “rock the boat”. I have nothing because I couldn’t bear the feeling of others not having things. People have played me like a drum my entire life.

It’s all my fault that I have lost the will to live and fight for what I should have. Like all my life I want someone to tell me I’m ok and it will be all right, but those days are gone. My Mother and Daughter are both gone. They were my biggest and only fans. I’m not saying my boys aren’t, but they’re boys. The 4 of them are the only reason I haven’t found the hole. I’ve said it before and I will again, I’m drowning in a pool, and everyone is standing around it either watching me drown or standing with their backs turned, no one is helping or encouraging. These people have been with me most of my life and apparently, I don’t mean anything to them other than what they could bleed me for.

It’s hard to have to realize that after one of the most terrible things to happen to me, I was kind of living a lie all these years. If I try hard enough to remember times with them, I was used and never had anything come to me from them. The gifts I gave were never reciprocated. The help I gave was never offered or answered back. The simp I was to every girl I dated. The simp I am for wanting my cheating and remarried wife, excusing all the hurt I have been through these few years.

I’m just feeling shitty…