2/7/2022
I don’t like me.
Even when my life was put together, I didn’t particularly like me.
I’ve racked my brain to remember when it all took a shit inside me. The only thing I can think was my relationship with my first ex wife Vikki. We met in 1987 when she moved to my village to live with her Mom. Up until then I remember having a confidence that easily shook off issues, of course I had plenty of friends and interests that occupied my life. Vik was the typical 80’s girl. The big hair and looks. She always smelt intoxicating as she would pass me in the halls and I was totally smitten from the first time I saw her. Several attempts went unnoticed by her until one night we were walking around, me and her and her friend. She was casually bumping into me and lingering in front of me, looking into my eyes and rubbing up against me. Eventually, back at her house we wound up kissing and she instantly got me. The first few months were awesome, well as awesome as any teenage relationship can be, but then the bumps hit. Apparently I wasn’t the only one that had noticed her and well, she loved the attention. Several times she would start the “break up” talk and several times I lost my shit. Crying and begging her to stay. Believe it or not I was a bit more dramatic then I am now. She cheated on me a couple times and like a fool I begged for her forgiveness because I had obviously did something to cause her to. Also, at this time my “friends” weren’t really there for me like they were before. That was my fault too. I had chosen a girl over them and I was, what the kids say “pussy whipped”.
With age age comes wisdom, people say, and I realize that I should have just been done with it and thought of myself and my future, but….
We somehow would get to back together and then break up and then got back together. Eventually, I wound up getting her pregnant. Because I was raised the way I was and having gone to church every Sunday, I thought they since we were having a baby that we were going to be together forever, that she would love me forever. It was good dream, fun wedding and great time until after Kayla was born and Vikki healed up. Then it all went to shit and my brain couldn’t handle it. Much like today, I had no friends to fall back to. I let every nasty thing she and her “new” guy said stick. I looked at this as my fault, and really no one was telling me different. The only saving grace was I was young. Barely in my 20’s and still had the youthful looks. I still had women interested in me for just that reason and I never really was alone. My parent’s were still alive and I had my old room to fall back to, but the cracks were there and damage was done as far as my self confidence and image went. The Borderline Personality Disorder started then I believe.
Then life really kicked in.
It is hard to look at who we were and acknowledge we would rather have done differently.
It is hard to look at life and NOT feel the time running out. But if you look at the time running hard enough, you will find that with focus, you can slow it down. Everybody feels this, don’t they? A watched pot never boils.
So, like that game, SuperHotVR, you can almost think that spending time looking at things inside is a way to cheat the clock. Ever dream a lifetime during a catnap? Time is a lie, and I won’t say daylight savings tie is a booster shot to keep us in sync, but it makes a nice story.
Certainly the country is more busted thna when we all watched howdy doody at the exact same time, right? Is that real or just interpretation?
I can loathe the me I was, I did for years. Many many MEs that were I loathed or despised, and holy shit they outnumbered the me that I respected. But if I think of them as nothign more than feral dogs, for they are not who I am now, and I would never hate a feral dog for being feral. I would give it love and understanding and make it feel safe enough to stop baring its fangs. Give it something warm to eat and talk in soothing tones.
I realized I could do the same for me. It was useful.
I am proud of humans that look into the abyss to see they are not monsters, but it takes a long time of looking. You will find it, you are brave, you have everything you need. It just needs rearranging, maybe.
You got this, man.
Warning Comment
repeating a cycle without getting off the merry go round has, in our experience, reduced our ability to change. We had to stop for a long time once, but because we had gone far astray and gotten quite feral.
But we used to smoke, and had lots of failed attempts, and they failed faster and faster, and we saw a pattern that could be reversed.
Warning Comment
How would you like yourself better? What don’t you like? Is it something you could fix? I didn’t like myself a long time ago, people told me I was unapproachable, stand-offish. Somehow over 20 years I have become much friendlier, open, cheerier. A good friend of mine was always happy, and I wanted to be like her…I can’t give you a magic answer, but progressively I became less angry, more happy with who I was and therefore probably more likable…
I hope you find a way to love yourself. It’s tough…maybe pick something you do like and focus on that; maybe how giving of a human you are…
@strawberryjelly Alot of it has to do with things I have failed at, that I didn’t want to fail. I realize that my exs left me and did so horribly, but I am still rough on myself that I couldn’t gold on to two families. Yes, I have my boys and they all love me, but I wanted the small family, wife, kids, and a dog. I built it for years and now someone else has that and most likely will live it until the end, where as I’m weekend Dad and maybe a visit or two a year when the boys become men.
I’m just not happy where fate, karma, or God’s plan has led me in life.
@newt316 I get it. I was really depressed after my divorce. My whole future, as I knew it, imploded. I was lost, I felt like a failure and didn’t know how I would meet someone else. I had insomnia, it was awful. I started exercising to lose weight and release endorphins. It helped me a lot. I think time will help. Maybe meditating for relaxation and peace. I know it’s weird suggestion, but ever tried yoga?
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