2/21/2022 Angry Monday Morning

I’m angry with myself. I’m angry at life. I’m angry at people.

I’m angry with me

I hate that I can’t move past and move on from this. I’m tired of crying at least once every day for a life I lost and will never get back. I wrack my brain every day to understand why this all happened. Every day is just one long sigh. Plans made the day before taking a back seat to the worthless feelings that overwhelm me. I hate I can’t get the effects of my BPD under control as I should after spending close to thousands of dollars to learn how.

I’m angry at life

WTF!!! Why do the shittiest things keep happening to me? What has living a moral, ethical, and caring life brought me? Nothing. All my relationships have ended with no choices of looking back or reconciliation. When people are done with me there are no looking back, no smoothing things over, or no friendships. Patty locked me out of her life so completely, it was like we never met even though she lives in my family home and has 4 children with me. If this was all about finances, why the total hate? She rushed things so fast with this guy, there wasn’t even a chance for me to work things out. Every loss I have had is so final whether it was a death, a breakup, a fight, and even a mistake. How is it that some of the most terrible people in the world have seemingly great lives? How is it that he lived such a fucked up life, but now has my ex, my family, and most of my possessions?

I’m angry at people

Speaking of “him”, what kind of scumbag preys on another’s sadness? Knowing that she was married and sure, she was unhappy with things at home, but you decided to stoke the fire. Offer the things she says are the issues and convince her not to talk to her husband about them. What kind of scumbag comes over the same day 4 young boys have watched their Father have to drive away cry for their Mother. Yes, I can’t blame him for all of it, she had a huge hand in it too, come on… I am so sick of the world these days. I’m sick that I was born in a generation that started this whole selfish, it’s all about yourself, view of life. People take the easy way out and then shut themselves off instead of just talking it out. Patty literally pissed on 20 years of a very non-problematic relationship without even trying to explain her hurt to me. She let this man, who for all intents and purposes she knew for maybe 2 months into her life force me out. She has never talked to me or even the boys as to why. She has never been out of his sight for an hour to even think of what she has done to me. Or maybe she knows. Maybe she enjoys the fact that she destroyed a man because she can.

My Sister and friends essentially spit in my face when I needed them. Made me worst when I tried to explain how I feel and what the pain was doing to me. These people I have held when they lost things in their lives. I never uttered the words to any one of them “get over it”, “man up”, “we don’t want you around if you’re going to be like that” or the gem my Sister hit me with the day Patty said she wanted a divorce, “You better not keep the fucking boy’s from me”. There were no hugs, or “it will get better”. They just kept the hurt growing. I so wanted my Sister to help me process things I kept calling, begging, and texting her just so I could feel like my world didn’t blow up, but all I got was a threatening text from my Brother in Law warning me to stop bothering her or he would personally end me. Yeah, that’s what he said, end me.

I’m sorry. Every day it’s all the same shit, just creatively written in a different fashion here. I’ve thrown my “problems” into a world of children dying from disease and hunger. Wars and needless deaths. Real depression and mental issues. Horrible abuses and abusers. People who have never had a relationship or children. Orphans and widowers. I am the selfish generation I hate so much and I’m paying for my sins. I feel like I will be paying for them until my last breath.

strawberry jelly

have you shared these daily entries with your therapist?

2 replies

@strawberryjelly I have shared probably even worse things with me therapist. Deep down I know it helps, but my pig headedness wants answers that no one can give me. He’ll I don’t think I can give me them. I must have an imbalance in my brain or something. I have always been hot and cold and the people close to me have always known it, but they are the key to keeping me together and they all left me. That’s not even a ” poor me” thing, they literally have left my life. I’ve called, messaged, and even old school wrote letters and nothing. I was already broken when she did this. All it did was push me past unfixable.

February 22, 2022

@newt316 I don’t believe that. I don’t think you do either, or you wouldn’t keep looking for information. I still wonder if your “cocktail” needs fixing.

Solitare

Man, I can relate to your feelings. I’ve gone through a lot of them, if not all. If it helps, life can get better even though you think it never will, I’ve been where you are and still sometimes. I have bipolar so I know your struggle.

1 reply

@solitare I’ve been told that. In fact I’ve heard that since day 1 and I’ve not so patiently waited for this light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not saying I don’t appreciate you say it, i do. I’m just so so tired of the hits that keep coming. I haven’t been able to catch my breath in-between and life keeps dangling that carrot only to once again pull it away on me.

Well, it can’t get any worse…

Happy at Home

Were you and your sister having problems before the divorce? Why did she think you would keep the boys from her? It’s just so strange that she has so completely turned her back on you…that would be so hard and I know it really hurts you.

@happyathome Somewhere along the way, my sister has developed her own sense of the past. Let’s just say the female line of my family is kind of attention-seeking selfish women.

My maternal grandmother was pretty bad with that. She would always make people feel sorry for her by “twerking” her insulin to give herself weak spells and well, would guilt everyone that didn’t come running. She also thrived on “messing with the truth” to get what she wanted. My mother, although not as bad, would also be the loudest voice in the room and very opinionated.

Now, my sister has always been the “I want to change the bad boy type” of woman. She would get into shitty relationships and would cry to everyone about how bad things were. She never managed to have her own children, yet she thinks herself better than us who have them. She does things completely unprompted and then screams at everyone when we don’t fall to the ground thanking her. She makes plans for the kids, like karate lessons or bible study without asking, and then throws it into our laps to continue. I once had a car that’s engine blew. I was midway on paying it off, it was mechanically sound other than the engine. I found one and found someone who would fix it for $1500. I went to her about borrowing some money and she absolutely refused because it wasn’t a family vehicle. Instead, she would lend it to me if I got another family-friendly SUV or minivan. Well, we found an affordable Cadillac SRV or something that I did not want, I didn’t need to pay for 2 vehicles, but we needed a car. Well needless to say I was saddled with 2 car payments, the “money” issues that eventually ruined my marriage. To this day she will tell anyone and everyone that I insisted on having that Cadillac and she told me not to. She has also done her “creative history” on several other things too.

@newt316 Your sister sounds absolutely toxic!!