2/2/22 Again

Once again the Universe has reminded me of my place in it. Once again I allowed my head to pop out from the hole I found myself in for 3 years now. Spent yet another day texting and chatting with someone. I allowed the warmth of feeling worthy and special to fill me, finally the bleak hard days may be over. Then like so many times before, I woke to the “text”.

I’m the mole in “whack a mole” game that is played by the grand champion. Never missing, they bring the mallet down everytime I pop up. The shit eating grin on my face gets knock back into the hole, over and over until the time runs out. It never was like this before. Sure, I had tough days, incredibly tough days, but the “walls” held and safely inside of them, I looked to the bright future with my family and friends around me every day. I never saw the “inside job” come. The walls were torn down from the inside out and the enemy rushed in.

I’m too old, to young, not religious enough, a smoker, a nonsmoker, my kids are too young. I’m not in the right place in life, not compatible, not financially stable, not a good enough Father, a Father. I’m too short, not healthy enough, don’t smile. I’ve heard and been “blown off” with almost every excuse other than how I smell.

I listened about how she really missed little kids running around and the energy they gave off. She wished for Grandchildren and couldn’t wait for her son and daughter and their partners to give her Grandbabies.. Yet, my kids are too young for her to be comfortable with. The mallet once again came down to “knock” me back into the hole.

I give up. I wasn’t good enough for the woman I had spent 20 years with and actually had kids with. She left me for a man 20 years her senior. A man who had a checkered past and a broken relationship of his own. A man who’s bad habits leave mine in the dust. How can I possibly think that anyone would truly want me if the one person who “loved” me left me for that? What does that say about me?

Sure, at first I tried too hard. I’ve learned from the mistakes. I have come to know me and like me, as people have constantly told me in that non-compassionate way people do. I’m afraid that I have become to comfortable with myself and that’s what scares me. I’m starting to want to shut the world out. It takes everything I have to come to work, to keep my job. I don’t want to leave my “jail cell” of an apartment. Not to shop, not to go out to eat, and slowly, not to get my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I want to see them and be with them, I love them, but I wish they could be brought to me and picked up when the visit is over. I used to be a friendly and talkative person. I never felt any issues about going up to a stranger and having a conversation or going to a crowded bar, restaurant, or event, but now I avoid them. For almost 2 years, when I got out of my breakdown, I have tried to talk to, meet, and date new people and every time, every “I’m sorry, but…..”, every unanswered call or text, has chipped away at what little “me” I used to be.

It’s nice that married women tell me I’m handsome and anyone would be lucky to be with me. Same with people who live states or countries away who never intend to ever meet me, that say the same thing. The obligated “oh your baby is so beautiful” thing you say when clearly it’s the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. What really sealed the deal about the absolute fakeness of people’s compliments was when an old friend must have taken pity on me during the initial trama of my “mental” break from my marriage ending. For 2.5 years we talked about everything. We flirted and laughed. She told me of how she always had a crush on me and how if she didn’t live overseas she would jump at a chance to be with me. She was in a thin ice marriage and would say how when it ended she would be on the first plane back here. Apparently, it was all said to “cheer me up” and not ever planned to happen, until it did. She came home this past December. I have yet to hear from her. No visit or phone call. No answer to messages. Come to find out she started a relationship with someone else. So needless to say, I’ve given up on taking compliments. Between the empty one’s from the untouchable one’s and the “sorry but….” one’s, I’ve come to believe I am not worthy of anyone’s attention, friendship or love.

I couldn’t keep my own wife happy no matter what I did. I couldn’t keep my life long friends. I couldn’t keep the unconditional love of my siblings. The only people who will talk to me are online, no offense, or the professional one’s I pay to talk to me. I never thought I would be what it is that life seems to be making me, but all the efforts I’ve made, all the attempts, and all the begging pleas have done nothing to stop it. It may seem as though I am whining and feeling sorry about myself, maybe I am or maybe I unknowingly caused all this to myself because of actions and nonactions. I’m sorry to the few in this world who still care and I am sorry to my boys, but as of right now I quit.