2/13/22 Day 10
Just sat down for a coffee and to check my phone. Once again I got the “thanks, but no thanks” message from yet another person.
I hear everyone when they say no to push the dating thing. I hear everyone when they say work on myself, love myself, and spoil myself, but I am not like that and have never been. I thrive on being part of something and with people. These last few years have made me spiral into a place I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I know I shouldn’t take the regections personally, but I do. I can’t help it after everything and how my marriage ended and everyone seemed to forget me.
Yes, I get the whole if they aren’t there for you, you don’t need them stuff, I really do, but even a prize fighter can only with stand so many punches until he goes down. It’s starting to feel I just took the last upper cut today when I read her words. I really don’t understand how my ex jumped directly into a new relationship or several of the women I have attempted to date that swore up and down that they weren’t ready, only to find out they too jumped into something days after saying such things to me.
It’s the same things I have wrote at least once a week for the last several months here. Mom used to say, “like a sick bird’s ass”, I write this same thing in just slightly different ways.
I have 3 more hours with my son today. I will do what I can to make him happy and to enjoy the visit, but once I drop him back home and hug and kiss the rest of my son’s, it will be a long ride home. I will once again attempt to clean around the apartment, but eventually I will just crawl under several blankets and sleep the day away, again….
Whoever told you to spoil yourself means well.
We do not say this. You coddle yourself already, did it help?
Spoiling is for people who do not feel privilege. You still scream of privilege.
You have the power to be so magnificent no amount of rejection matters, for it is THEIR loss. You are trapped in this cycle, Brother, and I know I am the asshole for saying it, but we see the pain and wish to help. Not coddle, no sir. I’m not that kind of angel, so to speak. You can have a hug later, but right now get off your ass, sir.
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THIS:=”a prize fighter can only with stand so many punches until he goes down”
But then he gets back up, or he does not get the prize, sir. You can do this, I am still in your corner, in case you need another asshole yelling at you. But it comes from a place of Love, I swear. You should hear me yell at me.
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Can we offer transformation? Can we help to show you the power of changing the internal dialogue? It requires no faith, merely language, and the ability to breathe or not breathe, at will.
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I almost crawled into the bed a few minutes ago but as soon as I walked in my room and saw the bed I felt depressed and anxious so I came back up front. I will try to occupy myself some other way.
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Sleeping is a way of escaping emotional pain. I hope you were able to escape for a while but still able to enjoy some of your day.
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I still think a tweak of your meds are in order. Focusing on things you can accomplish and the things you can do something about would be helpful.
And today of all days…don’t focus on lost love – out of your control, my friend.
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