What makes me feel good

What I want most right now is a big cuddle.
Yeah, it’s only a cuddle but it can really make someone feel better. No words, just pull me close. 🙂
At the moment I’m watching The Final Destination 5. Wasn’t this meant to have finished a few movies ago..? It’s been quite gross so far but I wanted a break.

I can’t believe when I started writing this diary I was a young teenager. Now I’m planning my future to settle down. It’s scary but it’s whats happening. What happened to single loving Clare? I do wonder where I would be if I had never met my boyfriend. Which is a hottible thought because I do love him. But, where would I be? I’d probably still be pulling different people every week. I never experienced being single and going clubbing. I know single Clare would have loved that but a lot of the guys out there are disgusting. If I wasn’t with Jason, I still would have hated relationships. I would have had a few that lasted 6 months maybe till I got bored.

There was obviously something about Jason that changed my mind. It’s weird though. Back then, Jason wasn’t the type of guy that I would usually go for. Not that I had a type, but I knew what kinda guys would catch my eye. Alternative, longish hair, dark eyes, into the same bands as me, cute. Jason was the opposite. I’d never been sttracted to someone so tall before! He had green eyes, was into different music to me, he was angry, tough, into sports (none of the boys I had been with were into sport at all!) he was quite chavvy too. All his friends were just different to what I were used to. He was muscley, had big arms that scooped me up. It also a year after I moved out of home and all that stuff happened with Kevin so I guess I loved the security that I was so tiny and he was massive compared to me. I really loved sinking into those arms as he held me close. I fell for him.

I may have said I loved Dan or Alex on here, but not to them. I don’t think it was love love. I was young. Jason was the first person I ever fell in love with. He said it to me first and I had never ever told anyone I had loved them to their face before. I couldnt say it back straight away. I was confused I guess on the feelings I had, because I did love him. But I couldnt say it until I knew I was sure of it. I said it 5 months into our relationship, and God we were so happy together. Not saying we’re not happy now, because we are. But you know when first fall in love and everytime you say it to each other you get that warm fuzzy feeling inside and can’t wipe that silly smile off your face. I would love to go back in time.

When Jason told me he loved me I was laying on his bed (it was a single bed back then!) on my front and he was laying on his side but drawing shapes on my back with his finger. It felt nice and I was really relaxed. But hold on a second, what  was that he just drew? Or wrote out! I held my breathe for a split second then said to him what did you just write? He just smiled and wrote it out again. I was sure it said.. no, couldn’t have been. I paid attention carefully as he did it again and I looked up at him and said is that what I think it is? And he smiled again and said yeah. Then he told me he loved me. 🙂 My stomach flipped multiple times. I kissed him. I didn’t say it back till a few weeks ago at my flat. It was silly. We had been out the night before and woke up in my bed at my first flat. I had this urge, so I went ahead with it. I turned around and said to him, "I love you". Then I realised what I said and my eyes went all big and I quickly turned back around. He pulled me close and said it back 🙂

You know when you love someone when you can’t help but to say it to them. When you need to tell them how you feel. It’s so hard for me to fall in love. And he got me. I fell hard for him. And 4 and a half years on I’m still with him. Fuck, I love him. Throughout all our differences when we argue, I still want him. He wants me. And that’s the best thing ever. I’d do anything for him.

I broke up with him for 6 weeks late last year. It only took me one week to realise what I wanted. I missed him. I missed him a lot! So much that everything in my body hurt. I needed him back. Him and me had a future together. I will never, ever hurt him again the way I did before. I am so lucky he wanted to get back with me after 6 weeks apart. He realised too we needed to be together. I will never leave him again. He’s amazing. He’s perfect for me. When we broke up I wasn’t interested in no one else. I knew what I needed to do. I wouldn’t stop until he was back. As I almost gave up he called me in the middle of the night to say he missed me and wanted to get back with me. We met up the next day and it went from there. It’s all in the past now but I will never forget what I did to him. I broke up with him. I broke my own heart. Silly girl. Never again.

Our future awaits us.

I must concentrate completely on that.

No distractions or else I will fail.
Failing is what I do.

~Clare.x

I didn’t plan on writing this about my boyfriend, but I can’t help to write about things as they come to mind.
That’s why I love my diary. <3