What is happening?

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so alone.

I am in sooo much debt and it’s not going to be paid off for a few years yet. I should have opened my letters because I wouldn’t be in this situation, i got scared and left them. I didn’t go to my flat for about a month, I didn’t pay any bills for about 2 something months. Maybe 3.

I’m sorting out paying off all my debt but including bills I need to pay for now, Sue and me worked out that I don’t earn enough to live and pay off my bills. I’m trying so desperatly to find a new job but there’s actually nothing around!! I’m even asking for more hours at work but they won’t give any..  Sue, Faith and Peter have helped me so much. If it wern’t for them I still wouldn’t be opening my letters.

I just feel completely shit. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my flat. I hate money. I don’t want to live on my own. I honestly wish I still lived at mums but that was impossible it was too dangerous. I have no support from anyone, as in money. No one wants to talk to me about it. All I want to do is cry and it’s so hard to keep a straight face all the time. I’ve had court and got another court hearing on 1st June. If it was up to me I’d give up my flat but I can’t because they told me they can never give me a council place ever again. I just want to give up. I don’t know who to talk to about everything. I’m sooo fucking alone at the moment. All I wanna do is go out but I fucking can’t.

Jason and his mum have helped me a lot too letting me live rent free but Jasons mum don’t want me to go back to the flat because she knows what it’s like. But I know at some point I’m gonna have to move back. I’m SO FUCKING STRESSED.

I feel like I need to write on hear just to get everything out, I feel suffocated keeping everything in it’s too much. There’s so many bills, so many figuires it’s hard to remember. I just want another job, I just want to be happy with my life.

When am I going to be able to finally settle and just be happy? I have moved from my mums at 16, to Jess’ for a bit, to Laurens for 6 months, to Larissas for 2/3 months, to Nacro flats for a year, then back to my mums for a bit, to the shitty flat I’m in now and I’m still not happy!!!!!!!!! I can’t handle this anymore, people tell me it will get better in time but they are not me!!! They haven’t been through half the shit I’ve been through. I’m fed up and I just don’t want anything anymore.

I want to be away from everything and everyone.