My alternative

Hello here I am. I almost thought last night was it for me. I have decided to cut the drinking out of my life. When I tell my friends I drink to much they laugh at me because I really don’t drink much compared to a normal person at the bar or a person who likes to go out and have a good time but to me drinking once every weekend is to much. It kills me emotionally. It can really loosen me up and relax me (since I do know when to stop) but last night it just hit me hard. I didn’t even plan on drinking. i was in one of my moods where I hated everyone around me for know real reason, even the people I was with, my own so called friends.

Sometimes I just can’t figure myself out. And maybe I had a long, hard week and maybe my boyfriend who is against drinking because of personal issues made me feel guilty as hell and gave me a hard time about staying out another Friday night. I just can’t get myself to sit in on friday’s and wait for him to get done with work at 10p.m. because when I sit in I get all tired and just want to go to sleep before midnight. Anyhow, so here I am sitting in a bar. My friends are so funny and great and I really think they get concerned about me at times. Like when I become real quiet. Sometimes I just like to listen and analyze the things in front of me.

I become so closed to everything though. I love everyone and everything but moments like last night I just hate myself and everything around me. it’s like who am I and why am I here. so we sat around they all shared a pitcher of beer and I orderd my long island iced tea. Except the drink was extremly strong. I even took sips but eventually it cuaght up with me. they say when you have a bad trip its because you are by mean people or think negative things and triggers the mind well last night J gets all moody and starts letting his problems bug him as well. Just little life problems. I am sitting in the car with my hand over my face and just feel my heart beating real fast. I start to cry and keep telling myself everything will be okay. I have a nice house I rent, I live with my boyfriend of two years, I have a great full time job, I have a family who loves me and friends who care. But it just is never enough. I wipe my tears and smile. I will be okay. But this will

be the last experience like this. I guess it’s Gods way of saying its time to really face my responsibilites in life and accept them. I hope I will be able to look back and grow from this experience someday. I love doing what I do and I know theres nothing wrong with it but I guess when you aren’t sure of who you are ,you have to just learn the hard way wheatehr it be when you are 21 or 40. I really do love you all (my friends) and I thank you for putting up with my shit. I know its hard at times to understand me but I know we all go through it that’s how we become part of each other every day. Michelle