Well, That Was Awkard

Went to C’s house this weekend.  I always enjoy spending time with him.  He just makes me happy deep in my heart.  His voice and his laugh are enough to give me butterflies, even after knowing him for 8 years. 

I had only 4 hours of sleep the night before and was in a pretty fragile state, I suppose.  However, what happened was really shocking to even myself.  I have no idea where it all came from. 

I was keeping my distance from him, like I normally do when I am at his house.  I try to give him and his daughter time together with out me.  They need that bonding time.  But he came in and gave me a birthday gift.  I looked at it and read the card and my world crashed down.  The card was signed, "you’re a wonderful mother and a great friend."  I held myself together until they both went back down stairs.  Then I crashed.  The word "friend" repeating in my head over and over.  That’s what he sees of me.  I am just a friend.  That is all I will ever be.  No more. And hopefully never less.

So at that point I scraped myself up off the bed and went into the bathroom.  Shut the door.  Locked it.  Fell to the floor and cried. I had all these awful feelings start flying through my mind. The main feeling: running.  I needed to run.  It was too late at night to run outside though.  Plus I would have looked crazy running through the streets.  So my next thought was of running away.  Leaving Lily there and just leaving and perhaps never coming back.  Terrible thoughts I am ashamed of having.  The thought of giving my own daughter away to her father and running away actually crossed my mind.  It actually seemed like a good idea.  I just couldn’t bear to see him anymore. 

The tears streamed down my face.  It felt like I had been kicked in the chest.  It was hard to breathe.  My thoughts racing through my head.   I knew that this would be the last time I slept at his house.  I just couldn’t handle seeing him and hearing him any longer.  I needed to start my process of hating him.  For the sake of my own sanity, I needed to hate him.

I finally pulled myself together.  Cleaned my face up and opened the door.  I sat on the bed trying to clear my thoughts and get myself back to normal.  It was then that he walked through the door saying, "we are going to the hot tub, did you bring your suit?"  His invitation bringing back the feelings of pain.  My eyes burned red.  I half smiled and said, "no. I didn’t." And tried to laugh it off like everything was normal.  He turned from me and turned back and asked, "are you ok."

"Yes, I just need a minute." I explained.  And he said ok and walked away.

I breathed deeply and got myself back together.  By the time they were done and downstairs watching TV I walked downstairs and sat down on the couch.  Soon I was lying down and almost asleep.  We all went up to sleep.  As he watched our daughter fall asleep he reached out and grabbed my hand.  I at that moment felt myself fall.  I grabbed his hand tight and didn’t want to let go because I was falling so fast and so hard I needed some stability.  Then he moved next to me and put his arm around me.  I swear my head was spinning and my heart was burning. This was not the way for me to start hating him.

Soon he was touching me all over and I began to have new needs from him.  My hand touching him all over.  Soon I asked him to kiss me.  And he did.  And my body and mind was sent over the moon and back.  We had sex.

The next morning we all went out for a late breakfast where I met two of his friends and they met our daughter.  (they didn’t know about her until recently)  Then we all went to a petting zoo for the kids. (they brought a 16 month old)  We walked around the for a few hours and gave a the appearance that we were a happy couple.  Then the day ended.

As we drove home our daughter slept in the car seat and he played Mozart’s Requiem.  I relaxed back in the comfort of the seat and let the music surround me. I then closed my eyes and imagined, for just this moment, that this was all real and I was loved.

Her