I Need Release

I want to cry, but I can’t.  I am at work.  I wanted to cry before work, but I couldn’t.  Lily was home.  I can’t release. It’s all inside me and can’t come out.  I can’t eat.  I can’t sleep.  When I do eat I feel sick to my stomach.  

I am sitting here at work in the back office just staring at the computer screen.  Clicking through random links to try to find something else to think about.  Nothing is helping.  I keep finding myself back on microsoft word typing something out.  It’s the only release I can get right now. 

I’ll cry in the car.  I did on my way home from work yesterday.  It was hard to breathe at times. I cried so hard.  No body heard me.  No body really cared. 

He claims "it’s killing him to see me hurting."  I don’t believe him.  I just don’t.  If he didn’t want to hurt me he would have done this so differently.  He knew how I felt.  He knew I was in love with him.  The lucky bastard had a wonderful person in love with him and he didn’t care.  He just used it to his advantage.  Just like Keith did.  Just like Kumbi did.  Just like Chris did.  Just like Ken did.  Everyone of those men got another girl pregnant while sleeping with me.  Except Chris, but that was only because he was infertile.   Every. Single. One. 

I want to run away somewhere.  Just run.  Run until it hurts.  Run somewhere that I can be alone.  Crawl into somewhere small and hide from the world.  And cry.  And maybe even scream.  Yes, that’s what I need to do.  I need to scream.  And pound on something.  Preferably him. 

So I remain here staring at the screen on the verge of tears. Alone again.  I just wish someone one hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay.  I need to know that.  I can’t tell anymore.  Everything is so blurry.  And I am so filled with hate.

Her