Goodbye C

 

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An email to C after finding out today that he has a 3 year old child…

 

I have been trying to say something to you for a while now, but I just can’t seem to figure out how to communicate my feelings.  Perhaps that’s because I can’t figure out a reason to do so.  I mean, in the whole grand scheme of things, what’s the point? 

So I guess what I need to do is just tell you flat out how it has to be from now on.  You and I have a child together.  That is all.  I will not keep her from you for you are her father.  However, from now on when she visits you, it will be just her.  I don’t want to see you.  I don’t want to talk to you.  If at all possible I will have someone else meet you half way to make this easier for me.

Next, I hate to admit this because it’s really unfair but, I hate the fact that Lily has a sibling.  I hate everything that that child represents.  I really hate everything that that mother represents.  The thought of that child sleeping in Lily’s bed makes me nauseous.  Now I understand why you are completely renovating your house.  You got rid of Lily’s fairy walls, right?  Can’t have your son sleeping with fairies, right?  You can explain that to your daughter.

The hope that Lily would have a sibling by me is now a dead dream.  This is probably what hurts the most.  She will never know the joy of opening presents Christmas morning with her sibling.  She will never understand how special it is to have someone so close to you.  I can’t imagine my life without my siblings, can you?  A sibling she lives with.  Not some other kid in some other family.  I refuse to give her a sibling through another man.  Besides, I am 38 and haven’t found a man to love me.  So the likelihood of me finding someone new, falling in love, and having a child is slim to none.  This is killing me inside.  Ripping my heart apart.  And the worst part is this…

I have instant messages of you and me talking.  You tell me all these intimate things about wanting children, getting married, and such.  At one point you actually dare me to drive to your house so we can have unprotected sex and “none of that day after crap.”  Another time you tell me we should get married sine we have been talking for a year and a half.  Looking back at all that and knowing what I know now all I can think is, “What a complete and utter asshole.”  Heck, you even gave me a key to your house.  Why would anyone do that to another person?  Why would he do that to someone who has never done anything to him except fall in love with him?  You just totally used me and played me.  You used me for sex and an occasional companion.  There was no other reason for me to be there.  Until Lily.  Then you used me just so that I would drive her there so you didn’t have to come to me.<span style="mso

-spacerun:yes”> 

Now, her name.  (He wants her to take his last name now) She is Lillian G. D.  That is who she is.  She is NOT a M.   You didn’t give birth to her.  You were not in the room with her. (or me for that matter)  You never lost sleep worrying about her 105 temperature.  You didn’t carry her in your arms for hours while watching her cry in pain when she was only 8 weeks old.  You didn’t stand in the middle of your house alone with a baby and wonder, “am I doing the right things?”  You didn’t have to listen to your baby’s father tell you to never let the child know her father’s name.  And now you want her to take your name?  You want to take her name away and give her another one simply so some other woman’s child and her can have the same name? Are you freaking mad? Oh and top of that you want me to move to Kalamazoo so that she can be closer to you.  You want me to move away from my family and friends and live in a city where I know no one.  Where I have no friends or family.  Just so you can be near Lily.  Do you realize how incredibly lonely I would be?  I was willing to do it before I found out all this.  That’s when I thought you felt an ounce of love for me.  I thought, well at least I’ll have him.  But that’s not true, is it?  I’ll never “have” you. 

As for the cowardly way you approached me on this subject.  I really don’t even mind that you did it by text.  But you got something wrong.  You wouldn’t have seen disappointment in my eyes.  You would have seen anger.  I am so angry with you.  This morning I would have gone as far as to say that I hate you.  Maybe I do.  But that’s what you want, isn’t it?  You want me to hate you.  You don’t want me around.  This is exactly what you’ve wanted all along.  A way to get me out of the picture so you can live your single life style.  Well, you got it.  Congratulations.   Did you get rid of the other girl too?  Or do you love her?  Were those her earrings in the dish the other day?  Never mind.  Don’t answer that. 

I can’t keep typing any longer.  I am starting to feel hurt mixed in with all this anger. 

So you may text me whenever you want to see Lily and we can work that out.  Other than that, I want nothing to do with you.  Just f****** go away.

 

Her