October 23, 2013

Foolish Man; Foolish Girl

A reply to his next text.

When I first read your text my initial thought went something like this. “No. No. NO. NO! NOO!” Then I walked away from it. Determined to never look back.

But I can’t, probably because I am a fool. I looked into where I was at in life in February of 2010. I have a diary that I keep pretty updated. And it looks as though we weren’t sexual active at that time. And if we were, I didn’t document it which means if we did I knew it was meaningless. This fact helps me relax a little. However, you still kept this from me. And that was wrong. And hurtful. And of course, it fills me with anger.

So, I went back to the text and reread it—a few times. You ask me to consider your actions over the last couple of years. But, the problem is when I do that I just want to crumble down to the floor. I picture you being so loving, so carefree, so in love with our daughter. And every time I see that it makes me fall for you more. I picture myself standing in the corner or sitting on the couch in your home and watching the love between you both and of course my heart warms up with that sight. But then it breaks. Because I see your ability to love someone… but it’s not me. And it feels like a dozen daggers fly into my heart all at once. I am in this constant battle between letting myself love you and trying to let go. I don’t want to be in love with someone that doesn’t want me back. It hurts too much.

So when you told me about them my heart spilled out all of the love I had for you and filled back up with hate. I think I quite literally felt that happen. And the worst part was that I was at work when it happened and I began to feel trapped within the walls and needed to get out. I left work early.

Soon the hate I felt for you started feeling good. I finally felt like I could walk away from you. I didn’t have to have this battle inside me anymore. I hated you. There was no love anymore. It finally didn’t matter to me that you weren’t in love with me. The only thing left to do was move on.

But I went back to the text. My foolish heart hadn’t had enough torture. Your text then asks me to assess how you’ve turned around 180 degrees. And I think, how? You mean with Lily? Sure you’re a great father to Lily. Wonderful! For her. You can still be a wonderful father with out me. I don’t need to be there. I’m not keeping her from you. She needs you. I have taken notice of how far you have come with her. So has my family. I have never been blind to the fact that you have turned around for her. But that’s HER. With me there has been little to no change. I’m still around but that’s all. I don’t even know why I held on this long. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Hoping and hoping and hoping. Wishing and wishing and wishing. And lastly, praying. Give me the strength to keep on waiting. Give him the ability to love me. Yet, nothing happened. Sure you take care of us financially, and don’t get me wrong I appreciate that so much. I don’t know what I’d do without it. But I personally need more from you to stay in your life. Although financial aid is very helpful, there’s more to living life, than money. And I am not getting it.

You go on in your text and talk about my patience, and love, and my respect. I am patient. And foolish, foolish man, I do love you. And I hate it. It’s not fair. Why in the world can I not fall in love with someone that will love me back? Ken, Kumbi, Keith, and now you… I gave my love to all of them. And every one of them men fucked other women and got them pregnant. Every one of them. They also all left me for that other woman. So now that you tell me that there is another woman and another child I just get so angry. At you. At her. At the child. At God. And I want to scream, “No NO NO!” I want to grab you and beat my fists on your chest and scream “No no no!” at you. But I can’t and I wouldn’t anyway. At least I think I wouldn’t?

And near the end you tell me that you have more to say and I welcome that. But this is what you need to understand first:

I am finally at a point where I can let you go. I have a reason to walk away and finally give up on you ever falling in love with me. This can give me great comfort. Always wondering “what if?” was/is killing me. Waiting for you to “come around” is dreadfully painful and I don’t want to do that anymore, unless there is a chance. You see that? Even now I hope. It’s painfully pathetic on my part. You either need to commit to me or let me go. Please.

Oh, and the part where you say you probably feel 100 times worse than me. I highly doubt that.

I apologize for this being so long. I just couldn’t stop writing.

Her