Restlessnessnesssss

 It’s on nights like this that I wish I still smoked.

I quit about two months ago and it’s been going really well. I hardly ever get cravings… except when I do… like tonight. I am having one of my "restless spells" as I like to call them. They don’t happen very frequently but every once in a while I get slammed with one. A "restless spell" is exactly what it sounds like. I just get an overwhelming feeling of restlessness. I feel like going to a bar and drinking, smoking a pack of cigarettes, going to an all-night diner in a distant town, playing the slots, laughing, dancing, having sex. I figure these moods must be like a very minute version of a "manic episode" in someone with bipolar disorder. Of course I’m not brave enough to do any of these things alone (and some are damn near impossible to do alone) and I have very few friends and almost none that would go out with me on a Thursday night at 11:00. Yet… the restlessness stays.

A notorious party guy in my town is having one of his infamous parties this weekend. I was invited by one of his roommates. I’ve been to a couple of said parties and they’re pretty fun. These are people I would not hang out with while sober. In fact, most of the people I drink with, I don’t hang out with while sober. I don’t really see anyone besides Boyfriend and my mom. I’m pretty antisocial. The people that frequent these parties are nice enough and it’s usually a pretty good time but I just don’t feel like they are people I’d like to spend any real time with. Having crippling anxiety really takes a toll on your social life. I really hope Boyfriend will attend this soiree with me but, as I’ve mentioned before, he doesn’t really like my drunken personality. 

Fuck.