A new year, a new me? (Smells like BS.)

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. I just got done reading my previous entries and, man, are some of them dumb! I come off as some kind of losery, floozy drunk! It’s like all I could ever write about was my anxiety problems and my drinking stories, which hardly even count as stories because I am not a "cool" drunk, I am a "losery, floozy" drunk. I’m not even a drunk, I just don’t have anything else of interest to write about. The only "fun" things I ever do in my life are the occasional parties (read: drinking binges with other losery, floozy drunks). Drinking is such a downer for me. I hardly ever do it but once in a great while, I get the urge. So, I go to some lame party or, even worse, a bar and it’s fun for about an hour until I start to feel tired and sick. Then I go to sleep for a few fitful, restless hours, wake up, and feel horribly depressed for the next two days. It’s just not worth it.

I went through a phase after high school where I was totally against drinking. I would go to parties and not drink and act all haughty on my high horse, feeling superior to all the drunk people and then peruse their hangover statuses on Facebook the next day and feel even more superior. People really thought I was a drag (I don’t blame them; I was). But then once I actually started drinking, I thought, "Hey, this stuff ain’t so bad. It makes it possible for me to unclench my face and talk to people without being awkward and nervously laughing at everything." I never drank frequently, though. Months and months go by between me getting drunk. But when I do, I become everything I couldn’t stand in those drunk people I judged in my post-high school, anti-drinking phase. After a night of drinking, I just think about all the things I said and did and I feel like puking due to sheer disgust with myself.

So, what all this rambling is leading to, is that I’m not drinking anymore for at least a year. It’s one of my New Year’s resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are complete and utter bullshit but that doesn’t stop me from making them (and inevitably failing at them).

Here’s a complete list of my New Year’s resolutions for the year of 2014:

• Quit drinking (I’d like to reiterate that I am NOT an alcoholic even though everything I write about drinking points to it, especially constantly clarifying that I am not one)
• Quit smoking
• Get a job
• Go back to college
• Lose weight (exercise and eat healthy)
• Overcome my anxiety/depression, or at least get a jump on it
• Have more and better sex

I think that’s all of them. I added the last one as kind of an afterthought as I don’t really care that much about sex anymore (I blame the depression) but my boyfriend is always telling me that I’m a prude and bad at sex and our sex life sucks and blah blah blah. Wow, he didn’t really come off well there, did he? Whatever, he’ll never ever find this diary anyway.

Speaking of my boyfriend, I’m getting really sick of him lately. I still love him and don’t want to break up with him (at least, I don’t think I do; it worries me that I’m not 100% certain), but he really gets on my nerves. He’s not that great of a boyfriend and we’re so completely different from each other that I wonder how we’ve sustained our relationship for this long (we’ve been together four years). Sometimes I think I just stay with him because I don’t have any friends and if we broke up I would be completely and utterly alone. That’s not a reason to stay in a relationship with someone but I’m terrified of not being with him. I’ve never not had at least one confidante in my life on whom I could bounce all my crazy. That’s not to say he doesn’t have good points and he’s still one of my best friends. I don’t know how I got onto this subject. It’s not something I really care to write about right now.

So, I still don’t have a job. I’ve been unemployed for, like, two years. Wow. That’s really pathetic. I have bad anxiety which results in me not being able to hold down a job or live a normal life, blah blah blah. UGH, I’m just getting so sick of saying that! I sound like a goddamn broken record! It doesn’t seem like a valid excuse anymore and I’m just terrified that if I don’t get and keep a job soon, I never will and then I’ll have to live in one of those group homes for people who don’t know how to live life. It’s my own fault. It always is. I just don’t know how to fix it and I feel like I’m almost to that point where it’s too late. I know, I know, it’s never too late and I’m still so young, only 23 years old, I have a lot of time, yada yada yada. No. Everyone I know (well, almost everyone) that is my age at least has a job and most of them have houses and kids and are married and fucking doctors and lawyers and are really goddamn skinny and gorgeous and why do they get good lives while I sit and pine in misery in front of my computer? That run-on sentence was brought to you by the bottled up feelings of Brittany!

That whole paragraph makes me sound like some ungrateful, over-privileged shithead! Why don’t you live on the streets with no food or shelter and have some real problems, for once! Ugh. I sicken myself and then I sicken myself even more for being sickened with myself when I could just be a better person and all of this would go away.

I should just join the peace corps like I originally wanted to do. Maybe that will give me a new lease on life and put my "problems" into perspective. I feel like writing more but I think I will wait until my brain is a little more organized and less tired so I can write a more cohesive entry that isn’t all over the place and then I won’t make run-on sentences and take four tries to spell ‘privilege’.