this is a confession

First. Cooper is THREE. WTF?

More on that at a later date.

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My confession: Somewhere, deep, deep down I long to be pregnant again and have another baby. I KNOW this would be very, very bad. For a couple of reasons- one being that B does not want anymore kids. Two being we have filled all our bedrooms. Three being money, money, money.

I don’t know if it’s actually WANTING more kids, or the fact that I love being pregnant… Or the fact that I hate the thought that all these things were doing with Avery are the lasts of everything– ya know? Grieving her infancy, babyhood– as she grows up and I dread returning to work.

And then in another breath, I feel SO complete. I feel like we have the perfect family, the perfect dynamic..
..and then I see my pregnant SIL, who is only 10 weeks and is wearing my maternity clothes (that I gave her, or loaned her.. whatever) and I get an intense sense of jealousy. It burns me. I feel it almost like a pain. (I do wonder if part of it comes with the hard time we had conceiving? That the idea that someone can get preggo so easily is sad for me? Or just that I felt jealous for SO long about others getting pregnant that it’s residual?)

I have to respect B’s decision to be done. I have to be okay with it- I know that he had to make some room in his heart to be okay with #2, and he did and I don’t think (hope) he has never looked back.

But I can’t stop dreaming.

I wish the doctors office would just call with the big V appointment sooner then later so I can stop thinking that I am going to spontaneously end up pregnant– if that happened well then there is nothing we could do about it- because we aren’t doing anything to stop it.. Stupid right? Well after medicating for conception of my last two kids I guess we are taking the chance….

So that’s it. It’s not something I will ever act on, and it’s not something I think I will get over immediately.. but I think when my kids are older and more independent I won’t miss the baby stage so much, right? When I can sleep through the night, or I have my body back, or we can do fun family events with ALL of us, or , or, or.. All of it will make the other disappear a bit right? And I can just cuddle the newborns and send them back?

I just hope the sadness, and jealousy go away because I hate that feeling. I am having problems reconciling the feelings.