a real grown up

Sometimes not writing is easier then writing, then I don’t need to sort out my thoughts.. right?

A couple things (amogst thousands of other things) have been floating around in my head.  I am wondering though, at what point do I feel like a grown up?

I sit here and think.. Holy Fucking Shit. I am almost THIRTY. Brandon IS thirty(one).  We have TWO children, a house, alot of debt, jobs, a freaking mini van. When did all of this happen? I mean, obviously I know when it happened, but it seems to have all compounded and made it look like from the outside- that we are grown ups.

When I think about us though, even our family unit I don’t see myself as a grown up– I don’t see myself as one of those people I used to look up to as a kid– like when I was 10, and thought of my parents or my sister- as adults, that were responsible and knew what they were doing.  I was obviously young and had NO idea what I was thinking. Haha.

I am not sure if there is one thing that is going to click and make me a grown up, but I am trying to uh, be one.  We pay the bills, we raise ours kids, we are responsible adults.. but when do we become grown ups to others?

Will our parents always think of us as kids? Will our kids always think of us as old people? Will we ever seem like real people to our siblings/peers? Shit, does that even make sense?

Brandon and I will be watching a movie together and they actress will say she’s 28 or something, and it will really blow me away.  Twenty-eight is old right? That person on the television IS older then me isn’t she? No, she isn’t.  The character is younger, as is the actual actor. What.the.fuck?

I think thirty might be hard for me. Not because I am scared of being old.. I am looking forward to it really, but because maybe that’s when the switch will flip and I will feel like a grown up.

I always wanted to be a grown up.  I feel like I rushed so much of my life to get to the next part of life.  At 15, all I wanted was to be with Brandon all.of.the.time (oh yes, puppy love, young love, all encompassing first love)- I wanted to move out be a grown up.  When I was 18, I wanted to be in college and gone- and I did.. I wanted then to be DONE college and in the real world, STAT.  Always something else.. And at some point it stopped.. I became the age of majority, I was with Brandon all the time, everything I wanted I had.   I stopped wishing for the next thing and those other things just gradually (with some effort) fell into place.  Age however stopped mattering.

I have been through alot in my 28 29years. Loss, Happiness, Major Heart Surgery, Major abdominal surgery, babies, pregnancies, sick loved ones, eviction, job loss, Graduating, Debt!.. Big things, small things all equally life changing and I am 100% positive there is more good and bad to come– and one of those moments is going to the be A-ha moment when I realize, that yes, we ARE grown ups now.

love,me