When I Look @ U

So I may be stealing something from my fellow OD author but I just felt it so much that I had to take it on and put a lil Ncumisa spin to it.

Many of my past posts have been very much about the stresses of married life and stresses of adulthood and a husband that drinks and my battle with depression and my moods and life going on around me…but since we are now roaming into Spring/Summer and things are in the good mend in Cape Town and my life, I figure I need to focus my posts on happy things and feels…

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody
When the night’s so long

Life is seriously tough! When I was a kid I was so certain that when I was an adult and no longer had to worry about school projects and exams and waking up early to just put on this uniform that everyone around me wore too, I would be so much happier. Boy was I wrong. I mean, yeah sure being an adult has its advantages…don’t have some other people telling me what to do and what not to do…the buck tends to stop with me and what I want, so that is great but I have got to remember that I am not a single…I am part of something…a marriage and as stressful as I find it and as much as I wish for my husband to feed me with good things and inspiration and boost my mood…I think I should do the same too. Yes he drinks and does things that makes me question our marriage and life and his being but there is a reason why I have stayed with him, there is a reason why our life stories have merged into one.

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there’s no light to break up the dark
That’s when I, I
I look at you

 

About 3 years ago, before we renovated our flat…it was such a dump and I hated everything about it…I remember on my birthday I had an attack. I woke up and all I could do was cry…my heart was beating rapidly and my limbs were shaking…I was pretty certain I was on the cusp of having a heart attack. My husband, boyfriend at the time, was at work, but I called him all panicked…and he told me to go to a doctor. So I made an appointment to see a doc, but while I waited I felt like that wasn’t enough so I made an appointment to see my Psych as well.

I rushed to the doctor and after some blood test and calming tabs…she was certain that I was not having a heart attack and that my vitamin count was low…anyway turns out that my B12 count goes low every now and then (still to this day) and since my body won’t absorb the pills I have to shoot myself up with Vitamin B12…and I hate injections so I try and delay my shoot ups for as long as possible.

But after the psych and crying at her and pouring out how I felt and how alone a felt that day. Normally my birth mother always phones me at like 5am on my birthday to wish me happy birthday…by the time I was with my psych, this was at about 4pm she still hadn’t called to wish me. Kinda strange how not receiving her phone call really disturbed me, but after some chocolate and tea and a box or so of tissues I managed to calm down, but I still needed something…him.

Whenever I feel alone or down I turn to him. I drove to his work and waiting outside his office. Waited for him to finish work just so he can give me a hug and tell me that he loved me. After all that I felt all better and was able to somewhat enjoy the rest of my birthday.

When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can’t
Find my way home anymore
That’s when I, I
I look at you

So our wedding day is around the corner, and renovations of our flat has started, my ‘boyfriend’ and I are sleeping on a mattress in the study, as far away from all the construction mess in the flat…because the bathroom was just a shower head we would have to go to the gym to use the showers there and then use the building toilet, which was disgusting so liquid consumption was restricted, but together we made it work. We actually look back at that time and laugh and reminisce about how much fun we had.

Anyway…I remember one Saturday morning we woke up…and the morning started off with us doing what we love doing, still to this day…just sinking into bed and binge watching whatever show/movie we could stream on Netflix or on our hard drives…I can’t remember how it started but after walking through the mess of the renovations and coming from the building garage toilet I suddenly started crying and couldn’t breathe…I was gasping for breath and he was all panicked and didn’t know what to do….I was gasping for air and choking on my tears and couldn’t drink anything…so he called my father quickly, who then wanted to speak to me, but I couldn’t talk as I was still gasping so my dad said he was on the way…I don’t know what happened next but I was speaking to my sister and she has every Jewish Emergency contact on speed dial so she phoned Hatzolah and they arranged for the ER to come to my flat. They arrived just when my dad arrived and after some ER work and blood pressure band thing I managed to calm down. Looking back at this reminds me of how lucky I am to have my husband, father and sisters to count on and to always be there for me.

When I look at you, I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I’m not alone

Often I come up with these ideas to be healthy and go to gym…and I express them to him and he gets all excited for me and encourages me to venture on my new journey…but the next day I just fail and he will see me eating a chocolate and sipping Fanta…my gym clothes will be lying in the exact same place I left them the night before…but he won’t bring me down and go off about how I failed to do what I said I was going to do. But as soon as I see he has been drinking I shut down and hold it against him. I don’t know why I cannot just get past what happened when he was drinking and how he became someone I didn’t like and how things got real bad. He assures me that those times are no longer and that he can handle his drinking now…but every time he has been drinking at home or comes home after going out to drink my walls go up and my hair stands on ends and I put up my ‘dukes’ and get ready to fight…I love him and need to let go of the past and just trust him. He has been there for me often, why can I not just let the past go and be there for him now?

I have comfort knowing that I can always turn to him and I know that if he can will always hold me up and keep me safe. I know I will and have done the same, but I hold him to his mistakes and throw all that I do in his face. Shit maybe I am the bad apple in the relationship? Okay I am not rotten…but I think I can do with some shining and become a better and more understanding wife.

I am going to end this post with what I am grateful for….

My Husband 

My Father and Late Mother

My Sisters and their kids

Knowing I have the ability to turn to G-d 

My health and life 

My Biological Mother and half sister and her kids 

My job and roof over my head

OD Family

I got home a few min ago and showed him this post. I had printed it out so I intend to still keep it private. I noticed immediately that he had been drinking…inlet him know how I felt and then acted as if everything is fine. I need to practice what I preach. So I told him how I feel about it and told him that I will trust him to handle his drinking. Now it is up to him to act how he feels right….while I work on myself.