When Does Enough Become Enough?

I am so indecisive. One minute I can be fuming and so certain about something but then 36 hours later I have forgotten about it and am ready to make peace and move on and neglect the pain and isolation I felt.

I don’t even know where to even begin…

Well…

Got home from shul on Friday and immediately I sensed something…

Which didn’t surprise me…because …no… …that I did and have and do encourage it. He had no money and has had our  in his possession, so he asked me if he could go buy alcohol for us… He did some …gave me the whole…I want to set up the lounge for us…and make it all cozy for us and set up some board games and puzzles so we can have fun tonight.

He knows I love puzzles and have been beginning him to do one with me. 

So, I transferred some cash from my personal account into the account that is for the both of us. I got the notification that he bought alcohol…as expected.

I get home after shul and yes, he set up the lounge…heater was on, and games were on the coffee table…but something just didn’t sit well with me. He had already started drinking…

So, I was in a bad mood and decided to make supper quick and then ate supper in our bed.

Saturday, he got up to work…said he was going to the shop to buy himself a , he asked me if I wanted something else well and so I asked him to get me a …don’t know if he was just expecting me to ask for a chocolate or something but he changed his mind and decided not to go to the shops in the end. A liquor store is next door…so maybe he was hoping he could just get liquor and I would think it was a croissant or something…I don’t know.

While he worked, I did some binging on  …then got up to clean flat a bit. I noticed that a bucket of ours was missing…and so when I asked him, he acted as if I was going crazy and we never had that bucket. I started shouting at him about it and how we do have it. I described it to him, and he was certain we don’t have a bucket like that, but I have seen him use it many times. So, I used out other bucket while I mopped the floors.

Went to do some shopping and when I returned, he was sitting in his car. I could already sense something was about to explode…. 

He goes on about how something is going on and everyone wants something from him and I don’t support him… I told him to tell me what is wrong but he refused to. He then asked me for more money…I asked for what and he wouldn’t tell me, so I said no.

I don’t know what he did but he was snoring away by 6pm on Sat. He then woke up about eleven-ish and decided to go off. Don’t know where he went but I received notifications that the bank card had been used at some . He tried to use the card twice. 1st time was successful but the 2nd time it bounced.

Sunday I just stayed in bed all day while he lay on the couch in the lounge. And until he got into our bed last night we didn’t speak. I asked him again about the bucket and he suddenly assumed that the window guys that came to fix our balcony windows may have accidently taken it… I was thinking how just 14 hours ago he was certain we never had it, but now he thinks some workers took it…that doesn’t make sense to me as he surely would have seen them leave the flat if he had been attentive and seen what was going on.

I don’t know what to do.

• But I don’t want to be alone
• I love him and when things are good between us, they are really good
• I have paid for a weekend holiday for us next weekend. Was so looking forward to going and surprising him, and now I don’t want to lose out.
• He isn’t much of it…but he is some financial help.

But this weekend was another waste and I spent it alone most of the time. I have become so used to being alone that ,y vibrator is becoming 

My life has become so sad. Everything is a mess in my life and suicide was a constant thought. I thought after having the Bariatric Operation a few years ago things would start looking up for me. I am constantly trying to better myself and you would think that your partner in life would try and better there life too…but I just feel as if he is bringing me down. And he blames all his failures on me.

As much I don’t want to be with him anymore, I don’t want him to have nothing…I worry about what his life would be next and where he would go…and I love him, but I don’t want this life anymore. And I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this.

My life is such a mess…I just wish I wasn’t alive anymore.