What You Say…
Cold War Kids – What You Say (Official Video) – YouTube
Okay, I have no idea who these guys are but feel like their lyrics are pretty fitting for what I am feeling…
A few posts ago I was going to be honest with my husband and tell him what I want and expect but then I chickened out and since the mood was good and I didn’t want to disrupt the low smooth tide, I let it go…and now we have our nephew from his side spending the weekend with us, so don’t have time to talk. But since I am so fueled with all this bad energy I figured I would just let it all out.
I am going to admit it! I am afraid of being alone and not being loved and so I put up with all this crap.
Yesterday was a farewell at his work and so he did drink a lil, he told me before he left work, and all was good when we met after work! So glad he could control his drinking urges and didn’t drink too much, but I do still have this fear living in me of how bad things can get when he has been drinking a lot.
As always when we are expecting people we need to do a major spring clean of the flat as we are not very tidy and clean, although I try to be, yesterday we cleaned as much as we could but I am still not very happy with how he cleans and how I have not done much on my side either. I can’t really blame him for things not being clean and neat as I am petty much a tidy messy person! My mess is not everywhere, like his, but it is there!!
Yesterday he told me how he got paid and how a portion went to his debit orders etc. (Not sure which ones) and that he will put in half of what he has into our ‘semi-joint’ account and the rest he wants to use for his studying and training of the stock market. This morning I woke up and realized he didn’t mention once putting that money towards us, or me…I still haven’t gotten a bday present and I guess the only gift that I am going to get from him is the ones that I told people he got me, but I actually got myself…and the only birthday celebration I will get is the one I threw for myself last Sat and that my friends threw for me last Sunday morning. Boy am I feeling loved?
Why the *#@& do I put up with this?
While driving to work this morning I figured that I have had enough! If I am not going to leave him and I am not going to speak up or even if I do speak up….I need to make changes! I am done! No more fitting the bill for dinners out! No more paying for take-outs! No more buying him clothes because I see that he has nothing new and the clothes he wears are old and shitty and the rest he can’t fit into. I am going to stop feeling bad just buying new stuff for myself and not him too. No More! No More No More! I am so sick of being the cow and just being milked and not getting anything in return. I mean I like to believe that he loves me, and he lets me cuddle with him when we are watching tv and he does pamper me (with back rubs or making sure that I am okay), but I am a person of action and gifts – that is my love language and he knows that! I am spoilt and like to be shown that I am loved with acts of love and gifts. He loves that too and I often get him gifts and he gets all happy! The tekkies (shoes) he wears now to work are the ones that I bought for him last weekend! Everything that he wears is generally something that I bought him!
I had fun last week! I was doing me! Maybe I should focus on that more!