What is My Life Coming To?

This evening while I was just trying to stay warm in bed and watching dstv and Netflix, my husband came home and bragged about how the bank had given him a loan. A loan which he plans to use for trading and for making more money for himself, and me and his family.

I was too upset with him to be truly happy, so I went on doing whatever it was that I was doing.

Anyway, he wanted to go out and asked me if I wanted to too, and I said no. I wanted to watch the rugby, which my team lost, and I had a Tisha B’Av gathering with my Rabbis and over students and Shul Congregants. I think he saw that as me not wanting to go out in general, as he kept asking me to go out with him over and over again.

Anyway so he decided that he was going to go out and he said that he needed to get me something. So he asked me if he could take the car. I said no. He asked why? I told him because he had been drinking and I knew he was going to go out to drink more and I didn’t want him driving while drunk. Didn’t want him to have an accident and damage the car or hurt himself.

He kept going on about how it was my car so I felt I had the right to say it. I reached a point where I agreed with him about it being my car and I didn’t want him to drive it now. I actually hid the keys.

He asked me how he was going to do what he needed to do. So I told him he has his own feet and he can call an Uber. He told me he didn’t like Uber and he was wearing shoes that were not suitable for walking. Well I still refused to give him the keys.

The Rugby is about to start and he comes up to me… he tells me that he ordered an Uber but he left his wallet in the car. He needs the key to open the car. Foolishly I give him the keys. I immediately jump up, once he has gone and barefoot chase after him, to make sure he is not taking that car. He opens the garage but then closes it once it has opened. I shout down and ask him what he is doing? He tells me he forgot that he parked the car outside in the street.

I run back inside to the balcony and see him get into the car. He then faffs around and I see the car lights go on and he reverses the car.

I tell myself that if he drives away I am going to call the police and report it stolen.

He then switches off the car.

But then switches it back on.

I decide to run outside to the car. Still barefoot, I run out. I shout at him and ask him what he is going. He tells me he was getting his wallet, so I ask why did he have to switch the car on or reverse it. He mumbles something. I tell him to get out of the car. He does and then throws the keys at me.

He gets into the Uber and they finally drive off and whilst barefoot I park the car in the garage.

The whole time he is gone I feel like shit. I zone into the Rugby game but I am not fully in it. I feel like a bitch and I feel so alone and so empty.

My life has come to nothing. When I look at my life I hate thinking of it being without him, but I hate what my life is right now with him.

I haven’t got the courage to end things. I feel too ashamed to speak to anyone outside of OD about it. I keep telling myself that once I loose weight things will get better…or once he makes the money he has set out to make things will get better…or once we have a child things will get better…or maybe when we finally have our dream house things will get better. But who am I kidding. This is it. I will loose the weight, but he will still drink. He showed me he has 10k in his bank account, he says from trading, but he still drinks. I am too scared to have a child with him. And as much as I want our dream home, I know I will be alone in it and it will be ruined by these feelings.

When I was lying in our bed early, before the Rugby and the car chase he came up to me and pulled me towards him, by my wrist. I managed to free myself, but my wrist was sore for awhile. When he left me, I kept wishing he had hit me or marked me so badly to validate me calling for help. Thankfully he didn’t. But for awhile I sat feeling so scared of him and thought back to how my father would tell me that one day his drinking may get so bad that he will hurt me, and how I defended him every time and told my father how he loves me too much to ever physically intentionally hurt me.