What am I Holding on For?

As distant as we could be things seem to be relatively calm between us.

I am still not wearing my wedding rings.

Today was the first time we kissed in days. He dropped me off at work and gave me a goodbye peck. We actually exchanged “I love You”. But I am still wrestling with dealing with what happened this past weekend and what has been happening between us regularly.

This weekend we agreed we would talk about the current status of our relationship and what we want to do next. But I guess until then everything is silent waters.

Me still cooking for him.

Me preparing his work lunch.

Us still smiling will be people turn.

Aaah…this is exhausting!

My Bio Mom called yesterday to tell me she found a doctor for me and him to see, and he will help us fall pregnant. Me falling pregnant is something that cannot happen right now, and when I am ready to fall pregnant I know exactly which docs to go to.

Is a baby a good plaster for unstable relationships? Dare I take that risk and find a way to fall pregnant now, even though I should wait a year after a Bariatric Op and even though this isn’t exactly how I want to start a family.

Argh!!!!

He told me he has booked to see a therapist, but that is only happening at the end of the month.

He told me he has arranged to meet with a financial advisor.

Is this all a lil too late? Is this all just to make me forget and forgive and pretend that all is merry? What am I expecting to happen? What is going to happen?