Wanting Some Attention…

I know this may seem petty, but sometimes it would be great to have the attention o me.

Sometime while I was at work, on Wednesday, I started to feel this sharp pain in my back. In my lower back and it shoots down my bum and my left leg. I didn’t think much of it as it would come and go, but yesterday, I felt it all day. And so of course I did bitch about it.

After work yesterday…I had my Jews By Choice class….but afterwards I was rather hungry and had lots to do, so asked my husband if he would do me a favor…he was lying in his fav position on the couch. He had had his shower and had eaten. He knows I am in pain, and says no… So I limp around the flat, making myself popcorn and finishing up with my nightly routine, rub Deep Heat on my back…quite irritated that he sees I am in pain and just kinda smirks and thinks I am just “messing around”

This morning I am in too much pain to actually go to work. So of course he is chuffed because he can sleep a bit longer before he has to get ready for work.

Tough balancing a laptop on your lap while lying in bed and trying to be as still as possible. And of course life is so much easier when you have more than 1 screen. 

Anyway so this morning, my husband barely acknowledges my pain…and just leaves the flat without making sure if I am okay or if I need anything. …..or …or …just a bruff…

Last night I emailed a doc for an appointment asap. Got call this morning and seeing  the doc on Monday at 9am My husband and I share a car, so I asked him if he can be late for work on Monday so he can take me to doc etc. His reply…

Your wife is in pain, can you not just spare some time for her?? My life gets dictated by his work every fucking day!! I am just asking for an hour!! So now I need to drive him around, see doc and who knows how I will feel afterwards, but I will have to drive myself to work.

Am I being petty just wanting to come first sometimes. Last time I felt similar to this I spent a week in a Clinic for an emotional break-down. I don’t think things will ever go that way again, I think I am stronger and learning to stand on my own 2 feet more. But it is just so heavy having to shoulder so much weight and having to manage it all on my own, most of the time.

I look forward to fixing my back, and finding a new way to balance my life and do things.

Doing this Jews By Choice is a wonderful thing and I do feel that I am living my life in a more structured way and slowly getting things done.