Torn

Things are still weird between my husband and I. Considering everything that I have written in the past posts you would think I would follow through and just end it. But there are issues…issues that I hope we can resolve because I do love him and see my future with him only, but there is also the fear that I have. I fear loosing him and having to live life on my own.

I mean it is easy to say that life would be great and better without him, but I am not so certain I want to find out. I know I was have to stop being so angry and controlling and scared of his drinking but then again I want him to stop drinking. And I want to loose weight and be a better version of myself, for myself and him.

Yesterday he went to see the doc, he bunked work so needed a sick note, and anyway his blood pressure is really high and worrisome. It kinda irritated me how he comes up to me and says that He is dying…like is he expecting to get a reaction from me when I am pissed off with him already, and he has done this before so I don’t react. Anyway he tells me about his blood pressure being high. I tell him that there are docs to see about it…I even shared a link of a Doctor who is close to us and specializes in Hypertension….but he just mumbles how ‘He is okay if he dies’… well of course I am pissed off with him so I think about how life would be if he had to die and sadly I felt hopeful about that possibility. But of course I don’t want him to die. The doctor told him about how his diet can be an issue, he told the doc how he only eats pork every now and then and does this and that, so apparently the doc said it isn’t his diet it is possibly hereditary. Which is likely but I am also 100% certain that his heavy drinking and meat fetish are not good things for controlling your blood pressure. But he knows it all and everything is okay and he is willing to die.

I still don’t want to get into the Trading arena but it is works for him, and I am happy for him. He talks about how by the end of the year he will have resigned. He talks big numbers too and if he can get them, then I am happy for him.

I think what I need to do is focus on myself. The past few days I have been happy when I am doing my own thing and seeing my friends and so I need to continue doing that, and stop being so attached to him.