Torn!!

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry

My husband and I…we met back in 2010. Right when South Africa was all fussed about the ‘Wakka Wakka’ and how Bafana Bafana finally got invited to play in the Fifa World Cup (well of course we had to host the WC, in order for that to happen) but anyway…we both worked at the waterfront. Me at Musica and him at YDE. I went to YDE because I wanted a pair of UGGS, well obviously not the original as with a measly salary like I was getting there was no chance in my being able to afford the originals, so I was content with just sporting copies, I still spot copies to this day. I walked in and he was there…Mr. Smooth and Good Looking. We flirted and imagine I ‘blushed’, but I am BLACK so you could never see that. We swopped Facebook details and never saw each other again.

2 years later I am now working in a Book Store and I see this book with a title that reminds me of him and a Facebook status of his…to this day I still remember the title “How to Make a Million by Lunch Time”. So I asked him if his title had anything to do with the book, I can’t remember what he said but I am pretty sure that he never read the book, he hates reading. But he has so many goals. He wanted to study hard and become something. He loved the business world and aspired to be something great and still to this day he aspires to have his name on a building and to be wealthy and successful and do be something. I guess that is what got me so attracted to him. We just connected. We would talk for hours over Whatsapp and I would send him songs that reminded me of him or something special that happened.

I have always been a happy person…I think until I was about 18, no one had ever see me cry. But with him crying became a common thing… we started off as a long distance couple, we were in different provinces, but we made it work, thankfully we didn’t have to consider time differences when we wanted to speak to each other and when you are in your early 20’s, for some reason you are never tired. First I made arrangements to go and see him, while he was going to see his cousins I would go to my sisters and then we would meet up and spend some time together…but what happened? He got drunk with his cousins and forgot about me. I cried and was pretty peeved but thankfully I got to spend some time with my sisters and nieces and nephews and still managed to have fun, so I got over it.

He apologised and we made up…a few months later he came down for my birthday and we spend an amazing weekend together…we went to bars and I had cocktails and he just sipped on coke….and he treated me and it was great.

Few months later I went up to him and met his family…and we had a wonderful time just relaxing, getting to know each other…I got my moment of the kiss under the rain…it was great…

 Well you couldn’t be that man that I adored
You don’t seem to know, or seem to care what your heart is for
I don’t know him anymore

I don’t know what happened…but we started a life together and things happened. He worked in a hotel as a waiter…maybe he wasn’t happy with his job or how things were going but there would be times when he would drink….he wold get so drunk that he flipped the bed that I was lying on. Don’t know how I did but managed to jump off the bed as he flipped it over. I called the Police…by the time they came he was already sleeping and I had managed to calm down and get myself in a calm state. I have called my father to my rescue, because he was so drunk and I didn’t know what to do…oh wait this was the night I called the police but they took so long to come that I had to call my dad and he managed to get him into the shower and calm and about 2 hours later the police came. Thought it was quite funny how long it took the police to come…things could have been so much worse! but thankfully they weren’t.

He stopped caring about himself and even though he still talks about how he wants to finish his studies and become something corporate he stopped trying a long time ago and still thinks that at 37 he will get there. I am not going to be mean and bring him down, of course he can get there if works at it and really wants it, but I also want stuff that shouldn’t be so pushed back because he needs to get his name on an office building and he needs his luxury cars and gold watches and snake skin shoes.

I don’t know where I am going with this post….

There’s nothin’ where he used to lie
Our conversation has run dry
That’s what’s goin’ on
Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

I finish work and rush to see him…but I get home to a man that is stuck to his computer screen, talking crap to his colleagues and I can tell he has been drinking…so while we greet each other I am just thinking how much longer until I can go and just dive into a book…or space out and forget all the pain that I am feeling.

There were times when I used to want to be in his arms and just be captured in his aura but these days I just want to be in my one world where I don’t have to hear him go on about how he works hard to make me happy, because I am all about money….how he works out so he has something to his name because a few years ago I kicked him out and he has no where to go and had nothing to his name. He goes on about how he works hard to be something. I get all that but what about me. Am I only good enough for the drunk version of him….for the him that I get hold onto when the liquor stores are closed and there is no work for him to do?

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn

It has been almost 10 years of me holding onto the good times…thinking that the bad times are just a few moments and that the good times are enough. These past few years I have cried myself to sleep, I have attempted to OD on anti depressants, I have been in rehab clinic for the manic/depressed/suicidal… I am someone that I cannot say I am happy being…but I do love him…and I don’t know what to do.

I just nearly told him that I wanted to end us…whatever we are. I am sitting and work and holding back tears…and I am actually ready to call it quits. As much as I don’t want to…I am thinking that maybe I should now…