This Fear (Loving You/25 to Life)

(this is a long post and I couldn’t complete the song as it is so long, but fuck I love it even though it is 2 songs kinda merged into one, so it took me forever to find the lyrics, but it spoke to me and has got me thinking) 

Pull me close, break my fall

Say you’ll stay through it all

Tear me down, every wall

Tell me what I can do

Let me crash into you

Oh this war

Yeah I’ll lose this fear of loving you

Maybe it is because of my childhood that I grew up fearing to let anybody too close unless I trusted them… I had a great childhood, so I have nothing to really complain about. I have parents who love me and sisters who also love me, and even though I may not be their blood relative I have always felt like I was part of the family. So what made me so reserved and too shy to let people in and to show my true emotions to people who were outside of my immediate circle? I suppose it can be quite life changing when you hear your biological mother who has known you your whole life say to these people, who have loved you and raised you, that she would be willing to sign me away, let them adopt me, if they bought her a house.

I did let that go, because even though they never adopted me, they still chose to love me and include me in their family and they still chose to raise me, even though I would never carry their name, I still called them mom and dad, and their daughters were and still are my sisters. My bio mom is still important to me and I still keep in contact with her and try help when I can, I forgive him for being willing to sell me, at least I think I forgive her but it still hurts.

So I finally met someone who got me and loved me for me and I loved them and chose to spend the rest of my life with them. Whenever I was depressed or just moody they have always been there for me. Whenever I have been happy and just buzzing with new ideas and plans and trying new things they have always been there for me and helped me through it and been there to pick me up when things didn’t work out.

****Eminem is rapping now, so it might not make sense as I am a female and to me, right now, the ‘BITCH’ is my husband, a man****

I don’t think she understands the sacrifices that I’ve made

Maybe if this bitch had acted right I woulda stayed

What sacrifices have I really made for him and for the us that I hoped we could be…

1.  cancelled my gym membership, as we could have used that extra R 700 every month. (Now I know I just went back, but that is because they have a huge special and they have dropped their price to R 275 pm
2. I tried to accept his religion and Christianity so he could have a Christian home and so could the children we one day have (After feeling very lost and confused I am going to go back to the faith that I grew up with and I intend to convert to Judaism next year)
3. I have kept up with all the account payments and the bills and groceries and I have managed to keep a roof over our heads (okay that isn’t so much of a sacrifice)
4. I have forgone continuing my studies because that is an expense we cannot take on right now. Yes I know that I tend to procrastinate and have not fully committed with my course, but knowing that I refrained from registering this year, knowing I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the studying and payments, while he is still paying for a course that he has the books for but hasn’t touched for over 3 years. So for 3 years he has been paying for a course that he is adamant he will complete but he hasn’t kept up with it.
5. I changed Car Insurance companies just so we could benefit from cash backs and stuff. (Okay that isn’t so much of a sacrifice as much as it is a smart move, but I live my life thinking of what is the best plan for us – what the fuck does he do)

But I’ve already wasted over half my life, I woulda laid

Down and died for you, I no longer cry for you, no more pain

So here I am 35, not any closer to becoming a mother, the one thing that I really want. Living just to get up to go to work and come home to cook dinner for him and then after eating supper, showering I will just climb into bed and if I am lucky maybe we will watch a show or two on telly or I might get pulled into some Romance story on my kindle… If this is my life I sure have wasted it. I used to have so much hope and I had goals. 16 years ago I was sure by the time I reached 35 I would be a Chartered Accountant for some big Firm (okay the accident I was in kinda knocked that ambition off the rails) but I would be married to a man that was proud of who is and worked a respectful and accomplished job and earned well. I cannot bring my husband down for not being a lawyer or something, he works hard and has done well. Yes, he does talk as if he is shitting money and has it all (which irritates me) and he goes on about how important he is and how he can do it and has it all (but in retrospect it isn’t much and even though he has come far, it isn’t everything and in fact is not much, particularly when most of it goes to booze and to black tax)

It is funny how whenever I had nights like last night, my fist reaction would be to burst into tears and find solace in my car and drive off to catch some air. Well I still sometimes run to my car…and may drive to some mall or parking lot, I no longer cry. Last night I just created a OD post, calmed myself down, cooked supper and just kept to myself… does this mean that he has hurt me too many times for me to actually care?

Bitch, you took me for granted, took my heart and ran it straight into the planet

Into the dirt, I can no longer stand it

It is so hard to just say he takes me for granted when in actual fact when there is no booze in the scene he is the greatest person. But there are those times when he checks up on me, kinda making sure that supper is cooked, and that entertainment is planned, and that our car has fuel. Last month on my birthday I went on about how he does nothing to show his appreciation and love for me. If I go shopping and I see pork crackling I will buy it for him, because I know he loves it, I will buy him his fav chocolate, I will get certain cooldrinks just because he likes them. He got a a loan yesterday and the first thing he does is buy himself alcohol. Couldn’t buy a bunch of roses for me? Couldn’t maybe buy us supper…or anything. The first thing he does is buy himself vodka.

Now my respect, I demand it, I’ma take control of this relationship, command it

And I’ma be the boss of you now, goddamn it

And what I mean is that I will no longer let you control me

I don’t want to have control of this relationship. I feel as if I didn’t do the adult things then we would have nothing. We wouldn’t have a place to live, we wouldn’t have food to eat, we wouldn’t have dstv, or cellphones, or internet, we wouldn’t have a car. I juggle it all. And I know at the start of our relationship I took it on because he was moving to a new city to be with me, at the time he had nothing, so I put all the accounts on my name and I guess 11 years later they are still on my name and I am still fronting the bills. Okay I shouldn’t be such a bitch and not mention that he does give me free rain of his card (when I ask for it), and for the last few months he has been transferring money into my account every month to help with the bills and accounts, but I had to demand that of him, and I have had to remind him every month to make the transfer.

There is no relationship to control…yesterday I was so ready to start taking control of myself and making our home happier and as bright as the sun, we have now shining, but when I came home I just wanted to crawl into bed and just shut the world out. I need to take control of my life and let the sun shine on me, fuck him!

I gave up my life for you, totally devoted to you I have stayed

Faithful all the way, this is how I fuckin’ get repaid?

Look at how I dress, fuckin’ baggy sweats, go to work a mess

I wore make up to work everyday and made sure I looked and felt good. Of course today I am just pissed off so I did the bare minimum just to show up at work. I don’t have money to replenish my makeup stash….and since I have his cards and he now has money maybe I should go and buy myself some make up and start looking good again. I think I let myself go and dress badly because my depression allowed me to take less care of myself and I put on weight and I cared less and then money was better spent on things to keep us alive as supposed to things to keep me looking good. So I cannot really blame him for that. But last night he slept in the spare bedroom, the room where I do my hair and makeup etc so because he slept there, and smelt a lil boozy I just brushed my hair and fixed myself up and rushed to work.

Always in a rush to get back to you, I ain’t heard you yet

Not even once say you appreciate me, I deserve respect

I’ve done my best to give you nothin’ less than perfectness

And I know that if I end this I’ll no longer have nothin’ left

Maybe having nothing is better than having what I have and feeling so hopeless and lost. My sister a while back told me to cancel his phone contract and all the things that I pay for that he enjoys. My argument was that until the contract was up I couldn’t cancel it, she said I could, but gave up arguing about it since I am so stubborn and I will admit it; I am a sucker for him. I couldn’t cancel all the other stuff as I would also loose out on the internet and dstv (I love my rugby). And you know when he is sober and eating a meal that I cooked he will go on to applaud my good cooking and will remark how much he enjoys it. The problem is when he has been drunk and he gets so focused on his work and his colleagues, who I think are just bad influences and I do feel bring him down and keep stuck on the short-minded mindset and keep the booze pumping through his veins. Like on Saturday he has to help his one friend/colleague move houses. I know there will be drinking and up until yesterday I trusted that he would be able to refrain from it, but now I doubt it.

But you keep treatin’ me like a staircase: it’s time to fuckin’ step

He knows that I will make sure that everything is still running so why does he have to care. He knows I will make sure we have internet and dstv and petrol in the car, so why should he care. He knows that when things get really bad financially I will run to my dad and he will help me out, which will help him out. So he doesn’t need to do anything beyond making sure he is cushy and he has helped his sister and mother and brother and his sisters school of kids…she can barely manage to earn enough for herself and their mother and the 2 kids she had when I met her, their father was in jail (I think he is out now) so anyway she had another child and to my knowledge his father is MIA…and then 2 years ago she has another child, not sure how she planned to support 4 kids by herself, although the father of her last born left Cape Town, left his job to move to where she is, last I heard he had no job (and this was last year), so I don’t know what the fuck they are all doing. Oh wait her younger brother would forgo supporting his wife just so he can help support her and her 4 kids, her baby daddy and their mother. Okay I think I am just being angry as those kids are great kids and she is nice and so his my mother-in-law but I don’t really trust them or get them.

You know what you’ve done, no need to go in-depth

I told you you’d be sorry if I fuckin’ left, I laughed while you wept

How’s it feel now? Yeah, funny, ain’t it? You neglected me

How I would love to just close the door and walk away. walk away laughing…but I don’t want to leave him; why is that, why is this the life that I constantly choose? Why can I not be strong enough to show him the street and make sure he stays away. Is it that I am 35 and too scared to be alone? Do I think no one will want to be with me? Do I think this is it for me? Do I think I am not worthy of more, yet I want more? I guess the answer to all that is yes, but I know I deserve better than a man who says he loves me but is willing it ignore me all night because he has his vodka and he can work and he can talk rubbish to his colleagues, because they will pump up his ego and make him feel elite. He goes on about ‘Living’ in “Mouille Point” as if it is all his doing. But I know that I do have the power to take all this away from him, okay that sounded wrong, but I just wish he would just acknowledge me and come to the party with me, the party of keeping this “LUX life” a reality for us.

Did me a favor, though, my spirit free you’ve set

But a special place for you in my heart I have kept

It’s unfortunate, but it’s…

I think I need to learn that right now I am the fool for continuing to take him back and taking him for his word and believing things would get better…when in actual fact he is just pulling wool over my eyes…feeding me the good times so when the shit times happen I hold onto the good times and think they are the reality when in actual fact this is my true life…him getting drunk and me fitting the bill. “A Leopard doesn’t Change its Spots” – when am I going to accept that he will always choose alcohol over me, he will just manipulate me to believe that the good times are the reality. Maybe I should stop believing him when he tells me he wants to stop drinking and I should just focus on me. But that isn’t a marriage (yes I know legally I am not married – the past few days I sent him flight details and pricing and showed him that Home Affairs was open and showed them their times, so he has no excuse to go back to Ladysmith and fix up his ID so we can actually be legally married…but then do I want that, when this could be my way out now)

I feel like when I bend over backwards for you, all you do is laugh

‘Cause that ain’t good enough, you expect me to fold myself in half till I snap

He has had no need to worry….I will go out of my way to make sure that everything is alright. Just thinking how on Saturday he cooked himself a pork meal, knowing damn well I don’t eat pork, he didn’t even bother to wonder what I was going to eat….until he was all set with his meal he then turned to me and wondered what I would eat. He had about R 100 so I could order myself something to eat.

Man, I don’t know, but tonight I’m serving you with papers

I’m divorcing you – go marry someone else and make ’em famous!

And take away their freedom like you did to me

Well since we are not legally married, I don’t have to serve him any papers, I just pick up the phone and tell the marriage officer to burn the marriage license we signed since there is not point in handing them in, since the man who should be husband has yet to sort out his ID so our marriage can be legal and that same man has failed to be a husband and I no longer wish to be connected to him.

But then again…I don’t know. I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is my everything. But he continues to let me down…

 And now he is acting all oblivious (if that is the right word) to all this and when I ask him where he was coming from last night he says he was coming from his friend, I ask what was in the brown packet…he doesn’t reply. He was quick to tell me that the first thing he did with the loan was give him sister some money…yes play on my heart strings and then act all nonchalant. I know from past jokes “His friend/guy” is the liquor store, but I want him to come out and say it, so I can stop questioning myself thinking I am overreacting and just jumping to conclusions.