The weekend…

When I started writing this post, on Friday, I was so sure about having a good night with my husband, but we got into an argument on the way home, from work, and we are now like strangers living together.

Yesterday I woke up pissed off, going to bed upset is never a good idea….but hey since I do it so often, you would think I have gotten used to it.

He was meant to clean the flat like he said he would. While I was braiding my hair, he would clean…instead he smoked weed and was high all day so did nothing.

On my way home, I decided I would go out on my own drinking and just try to enjoy my day off from work and from the stresses of life…but I felt bad not calling him and letting him come with me. So I phoned him and told him to meet me at the front of out flat.

After waiting for him for a few min, I call him to ask him where he is…..he was lying down. He forgot I was coming and needs to get dressed. So I get pissed off some more….

While having our early supper we argue. He doesn’t understand why I was going on about the girl he had an emotional affair with….he still doesn’t see it as an affair. Then he doesn’t understand why I am upset about him being on Tinder, when he  claims to have registered when I was there. I was not there. Yes he told me about it, but never told him to go onto Tinder,  I told him I was never on a dating site and…arg!!!! I am so over this bulshit.

This morning he called me Bi-polar because he thinks I go back on what I say and I forget things. He believes something is wrong in my head. What a fucking insult!!!

Just because I don’t agree with him using a substance to deal with everyday emotions. Okay that sounds weird since I take antidepressants, to help me manage my emotions, but at least I am still able to function and be coherent. Before he would drink himself into oblivion, just so he could sleep or forget about his troubles. He then turned to sleeping pills. When he was finished with the sleeping pills, he went back to alcohol…but then stopped because there was no money. I know…it sounds like he has a problem, and I am sure he does, but he doesn’t see that way. I just wait for him to trun to harder stuff. Isn’t this how it often starts?

We had some good days…weeks and I was feeling good about us. But then we get close to pay day, so he arranges to get weed and pay for it later. Last few weeks he has been getting stoned on the weekend.

I know this is wrong…. but I can’t stop thinking about him maybe drinking too much or smoking too much that he ends up harming himself so bad that he dies.

Fuck, that was so wrong for me to say or even think. But often I wish for him to end things, since I can’t seem to.

Last night while having dinner, he suggested we separate. For 6 months he would stay at a friend, or move to England. I don’t know if he was just saying that to get a rise out of me, he hasn’t mentioned it again. I would like to believe that those 6 months would be the official end of us, but I also know that the last time we broke up, I missed him so much that I pretty much ran back to him.

I am so fucking weak.

Often I will think about just killing myself. End the pain. End the tears. End this cycle of unhappiness. But then I think and realize that me killing myself wouldn’t do any of that. My family and friends…the people that love me and I choose to leave behind will feel that. So I choose to keep living this cycle.

Why don’t I just end things with him? There is so much animosity between us.

As much as I do love him, there is another part of me that knows I don’t deserve this and neither does he.

A few weeks ago, I said I wasn’t going to do this. I was going to focus on being happy, on our home and my studies and job and things I know I cam change for the better.

Yes I can change my marriage for the better too. So why don’t I?