The Audacity!!!!

My head and heart is all over the place right now! Besides feeling shit about The All Blacks losing the Rugby World Cup, my marriage and my life is a mess…which it kinda has been for years but I have just covered my eyes and cried in the corner and marched on pretending that everything will be okay.

But for the past few weeks I have been wrestling with myself and my thoughts and questioning what I am doing in my marriage and this weekend my husband seems to have come to the same conclusion as he sat me down last night to hash out the issues, he has with me and how things are…

Where do I even begin with my saga…I don’t even know. My head is a fruit salad and none of the fruit in it go together….ooh I really wouldn’t mind a fruit salad right now…but that would be too much sugar!

Anyway…

 I guess that is always a great place to start…what have been my issues with my marriage?? Oh, where do I begin??

• I get up to go to work at about 6am. He is snoring away in the bed next to me.
• We chat on all day long and I find that I am mainly taking to myself as he is so wrapped up in work that he on reply’s every few hours or so (I get that he is working, so it is kinda petty to be upset about that)
• I get home and he is still working, so I will prepare supper and wait for him to finish so we can eat together.
• We will eat supper together while watching our regular shows and the I will fall asleep, and he will stay up til who knows what time…
• I get that is a Monday to Thursday thing, but it is kinda the same on the weekend unless I plan for us to do something he is okay with just lying in bed and wasting the days away…

so he puts some money into our “joint account” which is on my name, and he seems to think that that is it. I am the one that is keeping up with all the bills and maintenance in the flat, making sure we have food, and it is clean. Unless it is my bday I will get nothing from him. When we go out for supper, I am the one that fits the bill. I am pretty sure that I am the one that has put in most of petrol in the car that he had to get, which has caused so many issues.

If I don’t clean the flat or arrange for it to be cleaned, then it will just stay a mess…particularly the bathroom and the kitchen. Although when he sees me cleaning things, he suddenly can do it better and it is his duty to clean those areas.

A couple of times she has come to our flat to get any food that we had extra. I am okay with helping family and friends, when we can, but the fact that this has happened without me knowing a time or two (which he denies but come on every woman knows what is in the kitchen!) I have given her food, he asked me on her behalf one other time, and I know there is has been at least one other time as there are stuff that I know I had int the kitchen and I don’t have now…

I like to download many shows etc. but because my husband and I share a computer screen now I had to always wait for him to finish work before I can go onto the computer, and it is so annoying. So, the other day I looked for out monitor so I could set up our computer on the old monitor, as he uses a work laptop and hooks it onto the screen so he can have multiple monitors while working…anyway while I was looking for the monitor, I realized it wasn’t there. So, I asked my husband…he tells me he gave it to his nephew, so he had a screen while he played PS. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T, HE TELL ME AND WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T HE ASK ME??

Yeah, okay so his drinking mood is not like it was all those years ago at the start of our relationship, but he refuses to accept that he cannot manage his drinking. And I guess I still hold a concern to what can happen when he drinks too much…

It is kinda scary and concerns me.

Before I thought it was just vanity that we all joked about, but I have come to realize just how much of a narcissist he is and how he is so righteous and thinks so much of himself.

So, yesterday he pulled me to the lounge and opened up his notes to express things that were bothering him that I was doing, and he couldn’t keep it in anymore.

It bothered him how I was more of fun person when I got home the other day after going out drinking with my colleagues but when I was out with him, I got all serious and was no longer talkative and making jokes. 

He went on to say how I want everything my way or done in a certain way. 

A few years ago, he wanted to buy into his company…so he went to my father and spoke to him about it and I don’t know what transpired but I know my father didn’t trust it and is too old to get into business now, considering he sold his business a few years ago and now just lives off rental income etc. but he decided not to go into it. So, my husband spoke to his cousin and his cousin looked into it but chose not to go ahead.

And so, it falls on me that I didn’t encourage him to go further or support him with his desire to buy into this business. I told him that it wasn’t my place to get involved in all that as I didn’t want to be involved and didn’t know anything about it. I told him he could have gotten bank loans or other financial assistance, like many other people do, but he chose not to so what was I to do? Seems like he is willing to do these things, but not wanting to take on the risks.

Okay let me correct that statement. We have always trusted each other enough to make jokes when we saw other people checking either of us out and sometimes, we would let it go further and we would flirt and make jokes.

I have watched him talk all smoothly to other women right in front of me and so I have smiled back at other guys when they looked my way.

Okay writing all this I see how bad it is coming across. But my point is, is that it has never been an issue before between us and we used to laugh about it and egg each other on. 

But before I had the Bariatric Op, I did say how I wanted to feel good and have people notice me. 

Now that that is happening suddenly it is an issue, because he has grown a huge alcohol and sugar stomach and is no longer as attractive as he used to be.

I asked to look over his notes so I could respond, but he wouldn’t let me. So, I took some time to write my own notes and remember what he said and how he said it.

he told me how it was only twice, and I knew about it. When I brought up the things that are not in the flat that I am sure he gave her without me knowing he said that I always buy veg etc. that I don’t eat and end up throwing away, so he gave that to her. Now as true as that is, he has not right to just give things away without me knowing, he doesn’t know what I had planned with those things. When I mentioned the monitor been giving without me knowing about it, he kept quiet.

He starts work at like 10am so he has the morning to clean around, do the laundry, go to shops etc. but just assumes I will do it.

I went on how he is quick to ask me what the plans are and what is for supper, but he never initiates anything.

THEN HE STARTED CUTTING ME IN AND I GOT PISSED OFF.  When he spoke, I let him, and I kept quiet. But when I replied he was looking at his hands and cutting in whenever he had a point to make with what I was saying. So, I got pissed off, got up from the couch and left.

Last night he slept in the spare bedroom.

I refuse to talk to him or initiate anything. I just hope something changes in our marriage.