Stuck!

That is what I am! I am stuck! Besides not being where I thought I would be at my age I am slowly coming to realize that I am just not really happy and the sad thing is that I don’t know what to do about it…well I do know what to do but just don’t want to it… 

So much is going on in my head that I don’t know where to begin!!

This week I have been consumed with so many feelings. Well, the first reality is that this week marks 19 years since the accident that nearly ended my life. 19 years I have been spared and I don’t have much to show for it. Okay that isn’t fair!

But there are other things that I wish I could have and always thought I would have by now…and in all honestly there is one variable that is holding me back from that.

Yesterday was  in South Africa… Why we celebrate Human Rights Day: Thursday, 21 March 2024 (thesouthafrican.com)

I spent the day chilling in bed while my husband worked in the study. Anyway…throughout the day he would come to me and tell me that he needed to go out to buy…

  which he never bought! And he wanted to buy himself  

And of course he bought chocolate for me. When he came home he showed me he bought himself a 500ml bottle of Smirnoff Vodka…I wasn’t bothered but when I got up to clean the kitchen and do the laundry and switch on the geyser I saw he had hid a 1l bottle of Vodka above the fridge. When I confronted him about it he was on a call…and later came to me to give me some bullshit excuse for why he bought it and hid it.

WTF?? Firstly, both bottles of vodka were opened and had been drunk from! So what excuse is it that he was saving it for the weekend when he had already started to drink it? He put the 500ml vodka in the fridge so he had that to drink but hid the 1l away so he wouldn’t start drinking that before the weekend. This morning when I opened the fridge both bottles were in there. He had obviously drunk more from the 1l since I moved it from the top of the fridge yesterday, but he can clearly manage to save for the weekend.

I went to bed rather pissed off last night and woke up questioning my life. 

I want a child, but my husband is working a lot and not even enough to put a full loaf of bread on the table! My husband is more concerned with buying alcohol and feeding into both of our addictions.  I know alcohol is his and so I don’t go buying it for him…I mean I let him because I know from experience that saying no just causes fights and he will still go and buy that alcohol.

Every day I find myself drifting off into my fantasy about having a life with another man, having children with him…I would have cheated or sometimes my husband died from an alcohol related accident and a one night flip with a new friend led to me being pregnant. I hate myself for having these thoughts. I mean how can I daydream about the death of someone that I love? I could never cheat! I ask myself  Is my subconscious telling me…

I know he loves me, but I do sometimes question if he truly does love me and if I maybe just not his means to live the life that he enjoys. If it wasn’t for me, I presume that his life would really suck if he was living in South Africa still.

I know I could give him an ultimatum.

But I know I will cave after a while and let things go back to normal and then I will be writing an entry just like this, like I have many times before.