Stuck!

When I took him back all those years ago, I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I am stuck.

It was so long ago and I don’t remember it all entirely…

It was late in November 2016 and my bio mom was visiting. My husband who was just my finance at the time had been drinking and we got into some heated argument and things got rather violent. He pushed me around and even waved a steak knife

in my face after I poured his liquor down the drain. I remember how he twisted my arm so much that for days I had his handprint on my wrist.

Things got so heated that my bio mother ended up kicking him out the flat and together we packed up all his clothes etc. into black bags. 

His cousin fetched him, and all this stuff and I assume took him to his house.

I called into work sick the next day and my bio mother took me to file a restraining order on him and to report the incident at the police station.

My bio mother went back home and for days I was a zombie. Going to work…coming home and crying…sitting on the promenade or the park and crying….

A few weeks later I found out his cousin had put him in a rehab. Not sure what kinda of rehab this was as my husband used to tell me how the guys in the house would sometimes drink etc…

Anyway…I cannot remember how we started talking again and then while he was in rehab I would go to him and chat to him in the street and eventually he was allowed to come back home with me for the weekend.

Funny how he got the job he is currently at through this rehab. At the time many of the employees at his work were addicts of some kind or had been to this or similar rehabs…yet his work would do end of month braai’s and supply alcohol to all these alcoholics, as a way to celebrate for meeting their sales budgets.

After he had been at the rehab for a few weeks his sister called me to ask me to cancel the restraining order has he couldn’t be employed because of it. So I went to the police station or wherever it was that I had the order filed and asked to cancel it. I remember the HR agent asked me if I was certain as once it was cancelled it could never be filed again. I went ahead and cancelled it. 

I don’t know who at first paid for the rehab but after a few months in it and he was working they could no longer pay for it and I was asked to fit the bill but refused to and instead asked him to come back and live with me.

Things were good for a few months and he wasn’t drinking and we were good.

Sometime in 2018 we went to the shopping center and he got drunk there and I remember we left the center very heated. He insisted on going to my dad’s place and in front of him and my dad’s girlfriend he proposed to me. I remember feeling so confused. I love him and he was proposing to me with my dream eternity ring from my dream jewelry store   but I was still so upset from before and was feeling cornered.

I said yes and a few short months later we were married in a beautiful reception in front of family and friends.

When the marriage officer went to put through our marriage he couldn’t because it turns out his ID was duplicated and so the Home Affairs Registrar cancelled is legal license. And still to this day we are not married, because his ID issues have not been resolved.

I suppose this is also one of the many reasons I have some little dislike towards his mother.

Many years ago, in order to have him be applicable for some student laws in the UK she arranged to have his ID duplicated so he would appear younger.
Anyway this was done some what like in the early 2000’s when he was a teenager. For years this was never picked up as he has gotten his driver’s license and flown in and out the country… when he wanted to go to Home Affairs to sort this out…C hit the world and so everything shut down and for 2 years he could never sort it out….

2021 we ignored it….

As per usual just like everything else in this country Home Affairs faffed around and made him fly between Pretoria and Cape Town often, in 2022. And when I pushed and he pushed he was told that they lost certain documents etc (Typical South Africa)

His mother, sister and her children and moved to the city now…and he has told his mother to sort this whole issue with his ID out.
His father even flew from the UK to put pressure on his mother to sort it out. Because of the breaking of the law if push should come to shove his mother would more likely be arrested for fraud. And when I ask what is going on I get told she is sorting it out and dealing with it but I often ponder how can she be really sorting it out if the law has not come down on her already?

In 10 days my “husband” and I will be celebrating 5 years… yet we are not really married and there are times when I wish we weren’t together anymore.

about 40 min ago I was looking through my emails on my phone and saw a Bank notification for a purchase in a liquor store. I know I didn’t purchase anything at that liquor store or any liquor store today, and when I looked in my purse, I saw the bank card was missing.
When he came back into the flat, after doing who knows what, I asked him if he purchased liquor today. For a while he said nothing and then he changed the subject. I asked him again and he said yes and wanted to know how I knew. I told him and asked him when he took the card out of my purse. He tried to lie to me and tell me he took it out when he told me he was going to the shopping center bathroom and liquor store. I tried to remember back to that moment and told him he never mentioned buying alcohol at any point…he was very quiet after that and just lay on top of the bed.

I don’t understand why he is lying to me. I am feeling so used and betrayed now and feel as if he is stealing from me. Yes it was just R 149 but still it was from a bank card in my purse from an account that we use for our house expenses.

Right now he is lying in bed next to me snoring and it is only 20:35

Yesterday when I was at my psychiatrist I opened up to her and told her how he has been lying to me and betraying me…and how we are arguing all the time and how he is such a narcissist in how whenever I bring something up that he did he would turn it around to blame me.

Like he knows how I hate him vaping in our bed and have asked him many times not to, yet he still does. The other day I woke up to our bedroom smelling of his vape liquid (grape)

and when I was making the bed found his vape in the middle of it. When I confronted him on it he said he vaped because I farted in my sleep. Today while we were driving he vaped in the car and I asked him not to and he went on to call me controlling and manipulative.

He said he keeps things from me and does things that I am against, and he likes to call ‘naughty’ because he is just a man and I am controlling and whiny and he just does things for the fun of it. I called his need to be ‘naughty’ so childish and called him ‘selfish’ and he got all upset and went into a sulk.

While he was gone I decided to explain myself on …

So I guess you want to know why I feel you can be selfish…. You seem to do things without even thinking of me and our home.
– you want to vape and continue to vape even when I have asked you not to in our bedroom.
– ⁠you drive, have a car and start work later than me but do you ever think about shopping for the flat or cooking supper for us?
– ⁠you don’t think of planning anything for me/us. If I don’t plan anything for us then nothing will happen.
I don’t think you are selfish always. Because you do think of me and are considerate towards me but I do think you just expect me to do everything and that everything will be done for you.

I do believe that you love me, I just wish you would make me a priority and not just your bed mate or someone who is just there.

That discovery card is meant for purchases for the house and the both of us

I am feeling really lied to

I don’t mind you giving your mother the Nutribullet mixer but why did you lie to me about it?

I asked you if you were going to give that one and you said no you were going to give the one you bought. Which mixer did you buy?

I am the one that bought the Nutribullet mixers

The one that you were with me when we bought off the Game account is the Kenwood mixer

Now you see how I can question your love for me when you lie to me and manipulate me

Tell me things you think I want hear and things just to cover me eyes

@$*# my life is such a mess! I don’t want to be married to him anymore…well tied to him but I don’t want to be alone.

I often imagine myself having an affair with someone who is loving and treats me well and provides and someone I would be happy having a baby with…but I cannot bring myself to ever cheat. I know I imagine and dream this because I know if I cheated, he would leave me. And I know that him leaving me is my only out since I cannot bring myself to actually end things with him.