Someone You Loved…

I just love this song…it gives me all the feels and makes my heart cry out…but since I am gonna start a new chapter in my life…It is spring, the weather is good, my mind and heart seems to be in a good place so no reason why not to work on myself and make a change…a good change… So I am going to take these lyrics and kinda make them mean something to me right now. I am sure however I translate the lyrics it will not be what Lewis Capaldi meant them to be… but here it goes…..

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me

I have been overweight for so many years….pretty much my whole life. When I was in primary school my mother and I and my 2 close friends, at the time, joined ‘Weight Watchers’ and I lost a lot of weight and it was all good, but I never stuck to it and just let go.

Over the years I have always had my mom, my dad, sisters, friends, boyfriend cheer me on to loose weight and go to gym and I suppose that encouragement was good motivation to push my through.

But after so many slips and lack of self motivation and inability to actually follow through, the people who were my support and still are, just not expressing it as much, have let it go and just let me let go.

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

Through the years went I have been on an off diets, I would get in the zone to loose weight and I would do well until that 1 slip and then it would all come back on, I figured so I am just overweight….I am still fine and look good and since I am young, not planning to have kids (well never really thought about that) but since my slightly larger weight never really bothered me I just let it go.

I need somebody to heal

When I feel depressed….or just sad…or just need comfort of any kind…what do I turn to?

Somebody to know, Somebody to hold

When I am feeling so sluggish and the sink is piled high with dirty pots and pans and dishes or I am just not in the mood to cook…who do I call…

It’s easy to say
But it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug

Basically that has been my routine for years now…so here I am at a point where I am now morbidly obese, I have considered surgery, I have seen dieticians, I have joined the gym and I have spent lots of money with different plans and in the end I have just always given up and turned to junk food and now I am 35, my body is whack and falling pregnant is not a possibility right now…so I have to get serious!

I know I cannot just let it go and even still now, this very minute, I am suffering with my addiction to chocolate…but yesterday I decided to go small and hopefully soon it will be big…

I cancelled my gym membership last year…but yesterday I decided to go back and join. Yes I have yet to actually go, but last night I went to Donate Blood before they closed and so by Sunday I have to have gone at least twice. That is what I am demanding of myself. Oooh…I could even go and watch The Rugby there on Saturday morning, as supposed to watching it in bed.

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Before I was okay looking at myself in the mirror, knowing that I was fat. I still looked good. But now….not so much…

clothes are just too expensive to buy, especially when you are dressing up to just hide your embarrassment and to not even look that amazing.

(Just thinking if I had to randomly get invited to some event I don’t even know where I would go to look for an outfit and)

clothes are just too expensive to buy, just to highlight your size and show it to the world, even while wearing a mask.

It sucks trying to be active because you get short of breathe just by getting up from a couch or carrying something that is slightly heavier than your hand bag.

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I’ll be safe in your sound ’til I come back around

I used to love being in clubs…okay Covid has kinda put a hault to that….but I used to love being social and being out there and I got so accustomed to just saying that it is ‘lack of money’ to go out…when in actual fact it is because it makes me sad to see my friends with their kids and see them looking good. My husband loves me, so what does it matter, right? Him and I can stay in doors just binge eating and binge watching ‘Billions’ or ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ or ‘The Block’ or so many other shows that we love, because we are happy being fat together…

BUT NO MORE!!

It is spring, the weather is good, my mind and heart seems to be in a good place so no reason why not to work on myself and make a change…a good change…

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

No more ‘KINDA’ I am going to love me for me but because I love me I will work on me!!!

• I will go to gym
• I will lose weight
• I will have my own child (naturally or adoption)