So I Started Saying What I Want…

I gave him the list of things that I want. He wanted to talk about the last few points of me not wanting him to drink and smoke….he said the rest he wants to process and will discuss later…

Boy it would have been better if he just discussed everything later…

He went on about how I am addicted to chocolate and how I am willing to spend hundreds of rands to see a dietician but I don’t follow through, but he said that he sees that I am trying and so he won’t bring it up. (I kinda don’t find that being very supportive or encouraging. He should want to help me get over my sugar addiction)

My argument is that I am at least addressing my sugar and junk food issue and seeking help. He won’t admit that he is an alcoholic nor will he go out and seek help. Admitting that he is an alcoholic and being part of an AA group etc. is going against his Christian Values and believes and labelling himself.

He knows that I want more from him financially, and he has it in his head that by going into the stock market he will make millions over night and he will get me my dream house and he will be able to quit his current job and be able to work for himself doing trading… Now I support all of that and hope that it will all become a reality and not just a dream/hope. BUT! I am not prepared to forsake our living now for the possibility of falling into a money fountain in x months.

It is Friday and my salary has kept us alive for the past week and has dealt with the debit orders. And now I am banking on his contribution to keep us afloat. But he hasn’t put it in….so I have been dipping into my personal savings and investments to keep us going. On Thursday morning he ASKS me is it okay if he contributes a little less this months as the rest of his salary is going to go towards his trading. After some thinking I said yes.

Friday comes and I ask him why he hasn’t transferred money into our ‘semi-joint’ account. He tells me that I agreed on him not this month so he has put all that money into his trading. LIKE WTF!!! How am I meant to keep us alive this month. I tell him that I would never have agreed on that when the month had already started. I told him that I cannot do that!

Yesterday he went to buy me my bday present. A pair of shoes that I showed him that I liked, I was very grateful, but he gives it to me with the price tag still on, still in the shopping bag wit the slip in it. I kinda felt like he just gave that to me to shut me up. There was no real consideration or emotion put into giving me that gift. And to think how I go all out for his bday. I buy him like 4 different gifts (obviously not all pricey but all meaningful), I wrap them all up and present them in a special way.

Yesterday, I went into the kitchen and saw a shopping bag, from a liquor store, filled to the brim. Inside I just laughed! Before I went to bed 4 of the 6 bottles of Savannah had been drunk   and about one third of a 750ml bottle of vodka had been drunk .

I ordered us supper, since he didn’t care that we had his nephew over for the weekend and he was 12 years old and we were kinda responsible in making sure that he was fed and okay. Of course I had been doing that. Got Pizza on Sat night. Made his breakfast and lunch yesterday. Got him Supper last night. Made him breakfast this morning. While he just came down on him for not making his bed or for dirtying the lounge, while still further dirtying it when wrestling with him on the couch.

This morning I woke up to a bedroom that wreaked of vodka…I looked in the fridge and the bottle was gone.

Russian men losing years to vodka | Russia | The Guardian

You might, depending upon your size, the health and maturity of your liver, the proof of the vodka, and the dose. Yes it depends how fast you drink it, your body weight, if you are a male or female, how good is your tolerance for alcohol… Some people died from drinking too much alcohol at one time… This called “Alcohol Poisoning…” It depends. (Google)

On Friday while driving home from work he tells me how he wants to get his own place, so when I kick him out he will have a place to go. Like is he fuckin’ delirious? He can not manage to support us own his own but he is prepared to purchase a flat in Cape Town; this is the city that has been declared many times as 1 of the most expensive places in the world to purchase and own property, so he just wants to own one and only live in it when the time comes that I kick him out. I really wish he could own his own property and manage it and perhaps grow up and actually be that 38 year old that he is meant to be or just leave me the fuck alone.

Why don’t I just End Things With Him?

My sisters want me to go up to JHB to be with them over the Jewish New Year. Now a large part of me would like to host my own evening with a few of my new friends, but I don’t have the space for that. Now I would love to celebrate the chags with my family but I know that he cannot come with,; as my family are not his  fans, he will tell me how he cannot get out of work so he cannot come, and I don’t really trust him to stay away from alcohol and the car driving wheel while I am away. So should I stay, what the heck do I do! Got no invites to celebrate elsewhere. I kinda do have an idea, but I need my husband to help arrange this and I don’t really want to talk to him or ask him for any favors. And I feel bad asking my neighbor if I can use his empty flat for the night while I host a dinner, but then I really shouldn’t feel so bad since his family use my  account every time they spend a few weeks in the apartment.

But the big thing now is what the fuck am I going to do with my marriage and myself?