So Fooled!!

I hate how things are….just wish it was really over and he was out or he really kept to his word or my happiness was not just a short lived episode.

Last night had to do a long drive at like 1am to fetch my niece and while decided to go he was snoring away. But while I was in my car trying to google directions he called and said he was coming with. Honestly I was grateful that he came with as it was a long drive and on areas I didn’t know and about 95% of the drive was in darkness as there were no road lights etc…so having someone in the car with was helpful in the sense that I didn’t feel so scared.
But the drive was pretty silent as I wasn’t gonna talk and he did profess how he loved me endlessly and would never give up on us and how he has given 15 years of his life to me and how he doesn’t regret it and how I have helped build him into the man he is now and he is so grateful etc… I never responded.

Got home at a ridiculous time and quickly fell asleep.

Okay, so there is some plumbing issues with our geyser or something and it makes a terrible noise when you switch from cold to hot water. Since this began I have been wanting to get a plumber to sort it out but money has been an issue and we have been hesitant on spending money on that. Today I did it because my niece was using the shower and with her changing the water temps etc and not being able to control how it was done the noise was constant and I was getting worried as the geyser was leaking now too. While my niece and I went shopping for a Matric Dance dress for her I arranged for a plumber to come and attend to the issue. I left my husband to set it up and be there for them.
I got home just as they were leaving… thankfully all was sorted out. But when I turned to my husband his mouth was hanging open and his eyes were glassy. I knew right away.

Today I was constantly thinking how maybe I could let it all go and forgive and forget blah blah blah and stay with him. I considered I would go with him and his family for his nephew’s bday dinner…no one knows I don’t intend on going. I was talking myself into holding onto this marriage. But the fact that he has been drinking regularly and has not actually tried to talk it out with me since Saturday night, should be telling me enough that he does not plan to change and he will just “gaslight” me and be narcissistic and manipulative. By the end of this month I need him out! As scared as I am about how I am going to manage…and how I am going to miss him…and how I am going to be alone, for my own sanity and my own peace I need to end things!