Sitting Alone in a Bar!

Fuck! I hate that I love him!! I hate that he can make me so happy that I forget about the tears he makes me  cry. I hate how I am so weak to him.

Today the plan was to get up and clean our flat. I forgot his friend was having a house warming, but I had no intention of going….I was going to meet my friends and have a girls catch up….something I kinda orchestrated weeks ago….

So we slept in and figured we will clean house another day…..but he wanted to go and have his hair done….

While he was having his hair done I read my kindle and then figured I would tidy up our bedroom….change the linen….put things away….

He gets home and I know it…he had a few drinks with his barber…. I try and speed him along as I have to finish getting dressed and still need to take him to his friend and then go to mine….

He faffs and decided to touch up on his hair… LIKE DIDN’T HE JUST FUCKING HAVE IT DONE??? And the more I tell him to speed up the slower he goes….

We make a stop at a shop so I can buy cake….I get back to the car and he has disappeared. So I call him. Oh he needed to pee quick so he went into a bar….

Finally we are on the road and then he brings down my friends how we never meet and he doesn’t get how it is just a 20 min thing….and blah blah blah….I begin to cry….at the horrible things he says….calls my friends snobby and rich….

I saw how late it was getting so I asked him if he could drop me off and then fetch me later….he didn’t have to be at his friend at a specific time like I did. He said no because he doesn’t want to drink and drive….I told him not to drink then…. he still said no. Because he knew he was going to be at his friend and was going to drink even though just days ago he poured liquor down the sink and vowed not to drink anymore.  He couldn’t care about how I dedicate my life to him and our home….I never go out and see my friends….I do everything for him and just this one day when I was seeing my friends he couldn’t make a sacrifice and let me see my friends.

So I continue driving, while I start to cry….I get onto the high way and tell my friends that I am not joining them. He asks me why I wasn’t going, we were no where near his friend and I was already 10 min late…I was crying and angry so I didn’t feel like being around them.

While I am still driving and getting lost he takes my phone to call my friends and try tell them that I will be late but I was still coming…I tell him NO! NO! I tell him to put the phone down….

 I continued to drive to his friend…can’t remember what was said, as I was fuming. I had given up my time with my friends to drive him to his friend’s so he could drink.

We arrive and he sits in the car….not sure what he is waiting for. He asks if I don’t want to come in and say hi….like really….I am upset, and angry, and have been crying….why would I want to see his friends who are not exactly my fav people normally I smile and put up with them for him, but right now I don’t want to be around anyone….

Now I have a few choices….I could go home and wait to get the call to fetch him….I could go to my friends….but I just choose to find a bar in a safer and cleaner area. Figured I might as well have something to eat and have a few drinks while I wait for the pick me up call.

How did my life become like this? How did it become so shit and lonely. Why am I so dependent on a man who I vowed to love for the rest of my life and even though he did too, I don’t know if I believe it. I feel like I am his security while he lives his life just for himself.

I don’t want to live anymore if every weekend is going to be filled with tears and loneliness.  I am sitting at a bar/restaurant,  typing this post while tears are going down my cheeks. Is it so hard to be loved by someone….to actually be considered and to actually matter….

He blames me for staying at home the whole week….he fucking wanted to do that….I am sorry I had to work and couldn’t entertain him….

It is 17h31 and I don’t know what to do now. I guess I could go home and just sulk… Drown in my own sorrow…. I wish I had the guts to do it…actually follow through and commit suicide.  Living is too painful sometimes…. 💔 maybe I should down a few few more shots….until I cannot even say my own name or even see straight….I will get behind the wheel and drive to the highest cliff and just put my foot to the grind and end it all….

Who am I kidding…I would feel to guilty to kill myself…too many people I would leave behind that don’t deserve that paint. And just when I am personally about to get my life right…become Jewish….find my place….I cannot give up.