Put it in a message….

It has been troubling me so much and I can’t stop wondering what she meant, so I wrote a message to the counselor, asking her if she doesn’t think he is an alcoholic.  I went on to tell her how he has been using my card and taking money from my purse to buy me things; on Saturday it was so hot so he said he would go buy me ice cream, which so happens to be next door a liquor store,  and yesterday he wanted to buy me sushi, at a restaurant which is in the same mall as liquor store, each time after the purchase he wreaked of alcohol.

He is sleeping right now…..and has been since like 7pm yesterday….nothing really wrong with going to sleep early, I just find it to be a problem if you are sleeping because you are intoxicated.

I just sent him a message telling him that I don’t trust him anymore and even though I love him, that I am not inlove with him anymore.

I hope I don’t delete the messages.

I  know I am scared of being alone but I an even more scared of continuing to live this empty life, but right now, I feel like such a fool and like a victim to his manipulation.

Yesterday he was telling me how he wants to get his own car, because he sees how I can take my car away from him whenever I want….basically he was saying how he feels like the use of the car is dependent on me and how I feel, which is kinda true. He went on to say how he wants to have his own place so that he doesn’t feel like he can be thrown out at anytime. Oh my gosh! I just realized that if I had to move to the UK with him like he wants me to, he would then have the power over me and he would exert that to punish me for the times I have made him feel my power when j have felt used and lied to.

Do I want him to leave me? I think I do.

Yesterday he made the effort to speak to my father and repair the break in their relationship. Yesterday my sister asked me how things were between us, I have yet to reply.

Yesterday I thought about killing myself.  But if I did that, what would I gain from that? Yes it would be all over, but then I would be dead and who knows what would come after….okay that sounds stupid. But we don’t know what happens after death and that is an unknown I don’t want to know yet.