Post Dated: Trust

THE ITALICS IS PRESENT…BUT THIS IS A POST A DRAFTED IN SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER.

Yes I love him. But do I trust him? Honestly I am not sure… 

 

Things are tough for us and I am doing everything possible to keep the lights on and food in our belly and smiles on our faces. 

 

I mean have taken out 2 loans and one of those loans was for a get rich quick scam but at least I am trying. All he does is about his stockbroking and how much money he can make from it and he reads the book that I got him years ago and I see him study the markets in the phone and on my laptop and our home desktop but why isn’t he working the markets and making us some money? 

every freaking day he is sending me screenshots of how much he made and goes on about how he did that in just a few hours…but I know he hasn’t actually physically made that money so I am wondering where is all that money going and what does it all mean and what is he actually doing…he says he is training and needs a large capital to actually get started… 

 

 

I am still playing the  and , even though I tell myself every week to just stop wasting money…a large part of me smiles when I see my tickets and I feel that spark and hopefulness. 

 

Today my dad asked me if I had millions what would I do…and without even thinking about it… I told him I would 

 

 

 

And But he then asked me why don’t I start adopting now and stop just talking about it and I told him that I was reserved because as much as I love my husband I don’t want to risk the chance of being a single parent. And worry about him and his drinking and be able to trust (okay I didn’t say trust) but I want to feel confident that I can rely on him. 

This past week I reached out to 2 adoption agencies. The one was in another city so they couldn’t help me and the other is in Cape Town and they said they will help. Asked me what “the range or consideration of a child whom you hope to adopt (age, race, gender, health and background of the child).” So weird having to box a child into the perfect criteria. Did some thinking and replied with an answer…

The child we would like to adopt does not have to check millions or any boxes. We are not fussy about race or gender. We would like a child that is still a baby (new born – toddler) and as for health, the baby/child should be as healthy as possible. No harm or fault to babies born sick or with disabilities but I know I couldn’t handle that added pressure…I felt wrong stipulating that. I haven’t told my husband that I have done this. Not sure when I am going to. I keep thinking that I will when the time is right…but when is that going to be? 

The past month there has been lots of alcohol in the house…partially my fault too and I even tried the whole we can play a drinking game…but the  Liquor perfect for taking shots; is still in the fridge and he has bought other alcohol so drink. Made an agreement which starts today and will last til mid December that we will not drink of eat any sugar or junk. But there is still alcohol in the flat and… He has stipulated many times that he isn’t going to stop drinking. When I was at work on Friday he asked me for money to buy liquor, as he planned to clean the flat…silly me transferred some money to him and told him he better buy me something…I even gave him a list of things he could buy me…well more like a list of things I didn’t want  But I did tell him… I get home to him doing the dishes and see there is  in the fridge and he tells me he didn’t have time to get me flowers. 

Made myself a drink and went to sleep early! He was pissed off with that as he wanted to play the drinking game and PS4 and have time together but I was just pissed off and tired from a long week at my new job and also my drink was rather strong. I woke up on Saturday morning and saw in the fridge there was about a shot or two left of Vodka. I went out to the shops and 

Nothing special but made myself feel loved…  and he complained and said 

Oh I opened the fridge and saw the Vodka was still there but there was a whole lot more in the bottle than there was this morning. I asked him if he bought more vodka? And he said he didn’t. He went on to say that while I was out he was at home the whole time, when would he have had the chance to go buy vodka and with what money? The liquor store is literally a block away from out flat. 

So this weekend like before…my husband  to me and was ,    to attend my High School Reunion and …

 

There was some time today when I wasn’t with him and when I was, I kept wondering if he has been drinking. I mean he says he hasn’t been paid yet but I don’t know if I fully trust that. And I wonder if he has been drinking and I worry that he is hiding something from me but I trust that he doesn’t and that he does love me. But a part of me wonders if he is with me because he has nothing and no where else to go… damn am I sounding egotistical 

 

He is snoring away while I am watching rugby. He can just be tired…I have been going to sleep early but he could also just be hungover now…it is 18:15 and he hasn’t done much today. 

My bio mother has been granted a large some of money due to the Road Accident Fund and so she gave me some. I am so grateful and feel so bad for all the negative I have said and felt in the past. She sounded so grateful when she gave me the money and went on about how she owes me so much more after all I have done for her and I honestly pledged that she didn’t. And she doesn’t. No parent of mine owes me anything. I have known about this money now for over 24 hrs and I haven’t mentioned it to my husband. He still doesn’t know about it!