Poison….Running Through My Veins

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice

My husband and I are both very stubborn people. Well…him more than me.

I can go a few days with ignoring him and just keeping our communication to a bare minimum…

“Supper is ready”

“Have a good day at work”

“Good Morning”

“Yes”

“No”

Generally I am the first to crack but the last time he kinda apologized and we had a great weekend…but now… he fetched me yesterday from work…after having a few shots of vodka…

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

It is almost like he enjoys bringing me down and making me upset…

He will point out my failures and make me look bad…he will question by behaviour and turn the whole situation around to make it seem like I am at fault…I am the confusing one…I am the one who is the problem…kinda likes he gets enjoyment from making me feel bad…making me feel alone…bringing me down…

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don’t touch)

When it comes to his work…I shouldn’t even bother trying to disrupt it…or ask him any questions…or expect getting any attention for him…

I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop

When he has been drinking he really makes his vacuum wreak of alcohol…

You know ever since we started dating he has never been a fan of spooning…well he likes it when he is the little spoon….okay being honest he does cuddle me and express his love for me…just that when alcohol is in the equation I tend to back away and he just does his own thing…

I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much)
I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous

Poison
Your poison, running through my veins
Your poison
I don’t wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web, I’m caught

I do feel like I am stuck. I feel like I don’t want to live without him…but how often should I wake up feeling like this??? I am 35 and the things that I want the most just don’t seem very possible. I want a home…I want kids…I want love…

I mean yeah I could have all of that…but I do I trust that I will have an equal partner to share in the responsibility and joy with? Can I trust that I will be able to manage it all?

Your skin so wet
Black lace, on sweat

I hear you calling, and it’s needles and pins (and pins)

Suddenly when he is bored….or needs me he will suck it up and drag me in…make promises and make me believe that we will be okay….only for me to drop my guard…and we fall back into the same pattern…

I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name

The only time when I actually get his attention is when I am upset…or when he has nothing better to do….he has no work to worry about….he needs my attention…

Tigerhawk

September 8, 2021

*sigh*

That sucks that he keeps going right back to his old patterns, and it doesn’t even take a week for him to do it. As for turning things around to make you feel like it’s all you and not him, even while he’s being passive-aggressive on everything while enjoying making you feel bad about yourself and everything else…that’s narcissism at the very very very least. If he has little to no empathy, it could also include being the beginnings of being a sociopath.

I get you not wanting to leave. I just fear that there’s no future with him where you’re happy in much of any sense of the word.

3 replies

@tigerhawk

I get you, but when there is no alcohol then he is great!!

You know I was reading how you are not a fan of your soon to be son-in-law…and I was thinking how my dad is not a van of my husband either…I think father’s in general are not fans of their son-in-laws because they are stealing their babies away…although I know of quite a few families where the father loves the son-in-law…I dunno

I keep thinking if I had to loose weight or fall pregnant or both, that my husband may see things differently and things would be better….but then I figured bringing a child into our bubble is a huge risk when I cannot guarantee things will be better. Loosing weight thing for sure….but that would just make me feel better…maybe make him jealous but then again I am not one to cheat or flirt with other guys.

@ncumisa – If Andrew were a different kind of man, I’d think I’d receive him differently. But he’s selfish and he’s antisocial and he shuts my daughter down on ideas and things they might want to do and…generally only thinks of himself. This is why I don’t like him. I’m not afraid of losing my (27 year old) baby…I’m afraid of her making a horrible mistake on marrying such a guy.

I would agree that bringing a child into your marriage with the state of things being the way they are would be a huge mistake. More so…personally, I would be afraid that he’d hurt the baby when alcohol is involved. And from what you say, alcohol is involved far more than it’s not.

@tigerhawk – I know he wouldn’t hurt the baby. At least I don’t think he would. But I cannot handle my mental state/possible anxiety attacks, a crying baby and drunk husband.

Well from a daughter’s perspective you have just to go be there for your daughter and support her decisions and her. If she loves him and is okay with him over powering her then let her be and let her make up her own mind about what she wants. I know if my sisters/father had it their way I wouldn’t not be in the relationship that I am in. But on some level I am happy. I tend to only post entries in OD when things are really bad or I am really happy….so you and others won’t see it all. And speaking for Andrew maybe he isn’t the same with your daughter when they are in front of you verse when they are alone. Maybe because he is younger than your daughter he feels he has to be what he things a ‘man’ should be, in front of you. I dunno….maybe he is just some selfish jerk who is condescending and selfish and just lame excuse of a wanna be man.