Please G-d 🙏🏾

I don’t know if I have the strength anymore. I hate myself for loving him. I hate myself for wiping all the tears away and sweeping the pain under the rug after every episode.

I don’t know where he gets the money to buy alcohol when I am forking all the bills and food in our fridge and stomach.

After bringing me down he will tell me something good that has happened to him, but because I am so upset and angry I don’t both to respond to his good news and achievements, so he will tell me how I am a bad wife and person because I don’t wish him well.

This weekend was supposed to be good. We were meant to be looking at houses and just have fun. But while we had lunch, at a restaurant that I paid the bill for, he laughed while I cried.

Took a long drive home, so I could gather myself, he tells me how I never asked him if I could become Jewish. He went on about how he will have 10 cars and have all their number plates mine, he goes on to say how the car that is on my name and I got myself will have his name on its number plate. I said no. I hate number plates that are names/words. I find they lack security and can get so tacky or snobby. He accuses me of hating his surname because I want take it. Legally I cannot take his fucking surname because legally we are not married.

While we were looking at the house he hung around with the kids and didn’t bother to view it with me. I mean like wtf. Then he claims to know everything about the issues of the house because the kids there told him. Every time he told me that story it changed.

He has been sick for the last 2 days and now is going on about how he will die. ‘Tomorrow I am joy going to wake up because I am going to die’ he says. This is not the first time but all I am thinking is how if it happened my life would be so much easier. And now I feel shit for wishing death on someone.

I hate this! I wish he would just leave me! I wish something would happen that would make the tears stop and the pain go away.

He laughs at me for buying chocolate. He sends me pictures of the kitchen cupboard filled with chips and chocolate…. Half of which is his too.

I keep thinking that when I have had this Bariatric Op and I am looking good and feeling good; I will get the confidence that I need and crave for and I will get out and live and no longer feel so attached to him. Hopefully then he will see what he has cast aside and abused.