Nowhere to go…

I don’t know what to do now… guess after this weekend I have to pick myself up and look at what needs to be paid in a few weeks what can be cancelled and how I am gonna make it all work.

Whenever I have heard of people being scammed with these quick money making schemes I have always wondered what made them be so stupid to have actually believed it would work. Now that I am one of those people I regret ever thinking that way and I want to just scream at myself for being that stupid. Well I was in a shit position before I gambled and just made things worse since I now also owe the bank money.

All I have wanted was to be held this weekend….

Well I was….before I went out on Friday I burst into tears in my husband arms…but since then I feel as if it has all been about him. On Saturday he worked and while I sulked in bed most of the day he kept to himself and then when he finished work he got into bed and fell asleep pretty quickly….he woke up because his brother called him needing him to fetch him from a club and take him home…so my husband gets up and missions off to help how brother out. I fell asleep but while I was sleeping he sent me WhatsApp messages telling me how he is freaking out and knows he needs to be a husband and the big brother but he is breaking down. The whole time I was reading his messages I was thinking…”what about me?” I don’t feel as if he has been there to console me and support me. Last night he kept bitching about only having left overs for supper to eat and he wanted something different…we don’t have money to spend on extras…. This morning he wanted to go for a drive just so he could enjoy the outside…he works from home so he is sick of being home all the time…he asked me if I had petrol in my car. I told him I did but that petrol has to last until I get paid and  have to drive to work every freaking day. He just has a car to look good in and drive around in. I actually had a car for the practicality of it…I have a job to get to!! He works from home and chooses to pay off for a car that he doesn’t actually need. Every month he goes on about how he will sell his car to cut on the expenses but then a few hours later either I will tell him how he will hate the idea of not having a car and he will go back into a depression and drinking. Excessively (even though he does that regardless…okay so he has been sober for a week) but I know he needs the idea of having an expensive asset even though it is costing him and as a roll on effect me a fortune…and he will always go into the whole saga of how he needs to have his car to define him…so basically he will agree with what I know is true. A few years ago my sister told me he was selfish and I didn’t believe her…the past few months a huge part of me has been thinking of him as selfish to a certain degree.

This whole weekend I have been thinking about how everything is going to work out. What are we going to do?
Guess I need to pull up my big girl panties and make it all work. I am too ashamed to turn to my father and ask for help…

That is a tough one!
Guess that means I am going to have to keep getting up and keep pushing to make things work!
– I need to keep working! So I will get up tomorrow morning and will go to work! Since I have already paid for gym this month I should get up and keep going!
– I need to be positive and hope and pray that it will all work out. I need to get myself in a position where I am no longer in the ditch I have buried myself in and eventually be strong enough to stand up to him. When push has come to shove this weekend I think it is safe to say I have truly seen where he stands. Unless I have gone to him, my husband has been very much self concerned…yes when he went to the kitchen he asked if I wanted anything and did bring me some drink and fruit…but last night he got all upset with him because I was too stuck in my head and feeling shit to give him a back rub…and so he turned around and went to sleep.

Aah…what am I gonna do?

Oh well…tomorrow is a new day…a new week…

Somehow I will rise again!! One day this will just be a bad chapter in my life and a moment to learn from. #*%$ do I hope I learn from this.

Not sure if I am strong enough to stop trusting a certain someone but I need to trust myself some more and make a good change in my life!!