Not What I Was Hoping For!

This month I started a new job! I had high hopes, but the past few days I have been really feeling shit .

I don’t have money and have had to turn to my sister to release some funds my father has set up for me in an offshore account, but since over the years I have been getting money from there, it is really low and she is worried about my future. But I am kinda worried about my present and how if I don’t get some influx of funds soon I won’t have a present to get me to my future.

I really need some ray of hope. I am giving up on myself a lot these past few days and just feel so worthless. I try and be positive and hopeful and I really try and make things work but I just feel that no matter what I do to try and make things better they just get worse.

Last week with my new job starting I was hopeful that I would win in some way…hence why I fell in love with this ‘poster’…

I was lucky to find a new job and so quickly. I really like my office environment and the people…but I don’t knof it is just me bringing myself down or if it is really just hard work, but I feel like I am all over the place and not certain of what to do and my boss is so quick and so busy…even though she is a very nice person and helpful, I feel as if she doesn’t get that I need better training and not just a once off talk or assumption I know it all.

 I turned to my husband. I was crying at work…feeling overwhelmed and not sure of what had to do and not getting what people have said and shown me already or what I wrote down and took notes on…or I dunnot, was just being hard on myself. Anyway…last night her threw it in my face! I am so confused with him. He wanted to talk about it but I was in the mind set of getting the flat cleaned and as prepared as possible for the average and limited Pesach I was going to create…so I told him I didn’t want to talk. And he went on about how I never want to talk when he wants to console me and talk… I had found a used cigerette bud in the sink…and when I sent him a picture of it he just said he was too lazy to go outside and smoke…I have told him not to smoke in the house and his office is closer to the front door than the kitchen, so that was just a lie and literally just the other day I found a ciggerette bud in the toilet and when I confronted him, he apologised and said he was too lazy to go outside and so he smoked in the bathroom.

Anyway, so in my head…

 (unable to have a proper Pesach Seder…not having 1st night, didn’t like Shabbat Candles)

And he still has the audacity to poke at me and tell me that “Money Broke Me!” While I am trying to keep us above water he deems it okay to put me down and rant about how I am failing and not able to keep things going, and how he would do things better. Oh wait, the last time he tried to take over running the house nothing got done and I had to sweep in and fix all the delayed payments and follow up on accounts!

After making me feel like shit last night, today after he worked he was so quick to collase on the bed and ask for a hug and kiss to make himself feel bad as he was tired from work! 

On Thursday night he wanted to see the budget as he doens’t understand how we go through all the money that we do ever month and still fall short…so I showed him the budget! He was quick to ask about my  charges and why it was so much. He seemed to forget how I haven;t paid them for a few months because of other expenses and so I am short of my antidepressants and vitamin supplements so my mood is running low. Anyway…he tells me how he knows I need all that but I need to go on a cheaper plan. 

I already went down on a Car Insurance so we could cover our asses. Not nearly half as good as what I had before but…you gotta do what you gotta do, right?  I own my car…I bought it cash and just pay petrol and car insurance for it every month. He is paying off his car and still paying for insurance and he works from home so he drives his car maybe 2 hours every week. I drive my car to and from work and it cost a lot less to have than what his car does…

 in South African Rand   in American Dollars.  After seeing the numbers he agreed at the time but then tonight he tells me that he is keeping his car…it is all he has and doesn’t understand why he has to give up something and I don’t. 

I am so over this shit! I need to find a way out!

While talking with my husband he did say a few encouraging words to me… He can be so hateful and then wuickly change tune but when I bring it up the hateful words…he will say how he didn’t mean it in a hurtful way he was just trying to build me up and how it is actually me that says he hurtful stuff to him and I need to grow up abd stop relying on my family to save me…

Anyway…he told me he looks up to me…went on to describe what he loves about me and what I have taught him over the years…how I am    Yet, yesterday he went on about how I am always changing jobs! So Ihave had 3 jobs in the past 6 months, but before that I was in a job for over 9 years and left only because I needed to earn more money and as for the jobs that I had since, I was fired from the one because I couldn’t do the work to the Principal Architect’s desire  the previous jonb I left becasuse the manager was hostile towards he staff and it was bringing me down and I wanteed better working hours…the only bad I have said about this job is how I am struggeling to get the hang of it, but I have been there for a week and a half. He mumbled some other good stuff about me…but right now I am just thinking about he defends his family to me even though they are never there to help him out and just call him when they need something from him…I mentioned this and he agreed but then a few days later he brought me down for saying all that and how his family is all he has… It is funny how his car and his family is all that he has…

He knows how I love property and my dream of that big house and everything…and I do see him living in it with me…and so does he…but at times like this I just think about getting that house just for myself and living the rest of my days on my own with 

 I may end up living a very lonely life…I mean everything I do I think about him…I watch a  video and I share it with him…

while I started writing this post last night he came into the study and played some videos… videos og men talking about how to treat a wife and how to treat a husband right and then this morning he was playing another video about how a good man should not be submissive to vodka.  He will be all manipulative when he is trying to come across as the righteouse one and he will bring me down and then he will speak of all the good but in the same breathe he will bring me down and play it out as if means well and then a few hours later he will cry out to his failures and want my help but then bring me down a few hours later and call out my errors and how bad I am.

I have come to a point where I am okay with dying now. I don’t want to kill myself, but I don’t want to live anymore.  That is what I seem to be doing often…and I just don’t think it is worth it.