Not Now!

Often while I am scrolling through Facebook Feeds or Instagram and see pictures of babies, I cry inside wondering when will it be my turn to show the world my adorable babies.

I love reading…I can get sucked into those cheesy slap slick romance books…and they are pretty much all the same…sports athlete has a one night stand and a few years later bumps into the girl while she is holding a toddler’s hand…or the best friend’s sister turns up pregnant after a slip or something cheesy like that…again I will search deep in my soul and wonder when will I look down at a pregnancy test and see the two lines.

I have a Pinterest page which is dedicated to my future babies nursery and how I would like it to look… I have names picked out for my kids and everything. When I go shopping, sometimes I will browse through the babies stuff and take pics of tings that I like.

Okay I am starting to sound crazy! I mean even if falling pregnant was an easy thing for me to do….you know 1 wild night at Club Duvet with my husband and  I fall pregnant, how would I manage?

Financially things are already tough!

I need to work, so there is no way I could just rely on my husband’s salary and just focus on being a stay at home mom…my mom was and I often fantasize back to those days when I would tag along with her to the shops, and she would take me to Ballet or Modern Dancing and then Swimming and how she was always running around for me…her  she would dress up and show off! My sisters have that…well not so much the dressing up of their kids, but they have their kids to run after and sort out and to live for.

I could adopt, but that costs money and you need to lay out your financials etc. to the agency…

Ideally in a perfect world I would have twin boy and girl and then adopt a baby boy. Have 3 kids.

So have I mentioned many times that I am overweight…and I am lazy if you haven’t picked up, so getting a quick fix would be perfect. A few years ago I went through the whole pre gastric op route….

I have seen so many of those, I just fail to follow through with them. I mean I know I could, but what they suggest is so expensive and hard to maintain and then for a few weeks all goes well and I may loose a kg or two, but then 1 slip and then I will just neglect what they said and go back to eating poorly and not going to gym.

I didn’t like the one that was on the team…found her to not be willing to really listen to me and my personal/mental issues. I like the psych I see now…well of course she pumps be with anti-deps, which I hate but she listens to me and encourages me and out all the psychs I have seen, I find her to be the best and tend to stick with her. Have been with her for just over 3 year now. I actually referred her to my husband, who took to her too…but when things got bad for us she told me she cannot see him anymore because I was her client first.

Anyway…so I saw them all and of course then I was weighting about 30kg lighter. But after remembering what my sister went through when she did it…and then the idea of never being able to drink gassy drinks and then managing my eating just after the op of having liquids only for a week etc…made me chicken out.

But now I am much heavier and at a time when I want to be a mom…where I want to look good in clothes, but now I do not have the liquid cash for the op and feel bad doing it, through medical aid or other funds, and my husband not being able to…although I don’t think he wants to.

Anyway so lately I have been looking at getting the Obera Balloon put in. I mean it is cheaper and after a year of having it or when at desired weight I can get it removed. Of course that is cheaper than the Gastic Op but it is still lil pricey and it is done out of theatre…

Oh my gosh I have gone so off track…this post is meant to be all about my desire to become a mom.

I would love nothing more than to have a baby of my own… I have it all mapped out…the nursery…lifestyle and just everything. I just wish that I could be enough for it to happen. My biological half sister who is HIV positive has 2 kids. I begrudge that…I have often felt that she doesn’t deserve the luxury to have children. There have been many times when she was unemployed and lived off the SASSA grants our mother gets…that should tell me enough. That I just need to sort out my body and have a baby and everything else will work itself out.

I just contacted a Doctor who does the Obera…hopefully he will email me back and I can schedule a time to meet with him and discuss my options.