Naked Finger

I didn’t put on my wedding rings this morning.

My finger feels so light and naked. I don’t know if I should smile or cry. If I smile that means I really want to end my ‘marriage’. If I cry it means I am sad that it is ending. And honestly I am not sure how I feel. Of course I would be and am sad that my marriage has come to this, but the writings were on the wall before we even got engaged, so it is kinda like this point in our relationship was inevitable. It is hard thinking and coming to terms with the fact that at 36 years old I have officially signed up to being a Spinster…and I will never have kids or pets…I am doomed to a life of solitude. And if I cry….it means I am upset. But why would I be upset? Yes he was a great partner, but in all honesty he was never truly a husband or an equal. It has always been me giving and him just giving enough to make me believe that this was a true partnership.

I see these ads for couple or family holidays…I scroll through social media and see pics of young families and couples living great carefree lives, yes I know it is just pictures and you can never know how honest and genuine those smiles are, but they have captured memories of what I want. I would love my husband to come up to me and tell me pack a bag and that we are going away. The last time that happened was when we went away to my nieces bat mitzvah and I arranged it all. When I turned 30 we went away for my birthday weekend. That was a gift from my family. I had to drive us to the resort because he hates driving long distance and he was already too tipsy to get behind the wheel.

I keep hinting of places to go on holiday but he just nods and tells me that he will make a million by the end of year, with his trading and he will get me that dream house…which costs 13 million, so not sure how a million is going to get that for me…unless I am going to win the lotto and get it and he will pay for the furniture for it.

Speaking of the lotto. I keep playing it and wishing I win, but in all honesty when I do win, am I going to go halves with him on it? Maybe I will just buy myself the perfect 3 bedroom apartment and live my own spinster life…

Yesterday I had a 1/4 of tank left in the car. This morning I had to fill the tank because he went joy riding last night. Now that is okay, but at least have the money to pay for petrol.