Kill Em With Kindness….
The world can be a nasty place
You know it, I know it, yeah
More like love can be a nasty place. He says he loves me…but I don’t believe him. After all the hurtful things he says to me; how can I believe that he loves me. Saying it back to him is becoming harder and harder.
And kill ’em with kindness
Kill ’em with kindness
Kill ’em, kill ’em, kill ’em with kindness
I was always taught that when someone did wrong to you, smile back and do good to them….
now when I am just driving and someone cuts me in or curses me for cutting in…or even when they do something nice to me, I make it habit to always flash my hazard lights and smile if we look at each other. Yesterday when I cut in front of a car, I automatically flashed my hazards and he spews ‘FUCK HIM, DON’T THANK HIM’. Now I am no angle, I do spew my curse words and don’t always let people in, sometimes I make it my MO not to give them way, but I like to treat everyone the way that I would like to be treated. When someone tells me that I don’t have manners, I get so angry because that is one thing I will always have. No matter how I feel; I will always have manners. Well let’s not forget that someone was my husband.
Anyway…even though he never (or hardly ever) treats me, buys be gifts or does something just for the sake of it, I will always think about him when I am doing the house shopping (I make sure that I get him foods that he likes too), when I am buying clothes for myself I will always buy for him too….hell even when I don’t buy for myself if I see something that he would like or would look good on him or has spoken about, I will buy it for him.
This morning…he woke up late and jumped to get dressed to go to . When he came back, I was still in bed….and after a while I plucked up the courage to sit him down and talk to him. I was ready to tell him how this marriage (or whatever you want to call it) wasn’t working for me, and how certain things he did was upsetting me and how I couldn’t live like this anymore…I was prepared to tell him to get out…hell last night I went online and looked for rentals…I laugh now thinking how I was looking for rentals for myself, when in fact my husband and I live in a flat that I own and pay for, so if anyone should be looking for a place it should be him.
Anyway so he stops me while I was talking and tells me how he wasn’t going to listen to me go on and complain about things that don’t matter…things that I feel that he isn’t when he doesn’t complain to me about what he isn’t getting from me…
Well if we didn’t leave so early every morning, because he has a job so far away, maybe I would be more inclined to. But hey I make sure there it food in the kitchen so he can make himself work meals…sometimes I even make them for him. I cook or order in a dinner for us every fucking night.
If that is what he wants then he is welcome to get himself a prostitute…
He doesn’t wan to buy himself clean clothes and when I suggest we go shopping for him, he goes on about how he is going to loose weight so he doesn’t want to buy himself clothes for now. So he will wear tatty clothes, clothes with holes in them…wear the same outfit over and over again, and complain when I put it in the washer and haven’t got to cleaning it yet. Yesterday when we went out he had no clothes to wear. A shirt that I bought him last month was now too small for him. He tells me he is happy with his tatty clothes because he uses public transport and works amongst traders so he isn’t bothered about looking nice.
Your lies are bullets, your mouth’s a gun
No war and anger was ever won
Put out the fire before igniting
Next time you’re fighting
He knows how to bring me down. Today when I went to collect something from 
and do my work office shop, I was tearing up while I was driving. I was wondering how I would be acting if I didn’t take my antidepressants for the past week. Would I be suicidal? Would I so depressed, I would just pull over into some parking lot and cry? Like the many times that I have before. Thankfully some retail therapy did help me out. But now I am back home and surrounded by so much pain and wondering how to get out of this mess that I am in.
And kill ’em with kindness
Kill ’em with kindness
Kill ’em, kill ’em, kill ’em with kindness
My kindness towards him is killing me.
