Jumbled!!

we got our new sofa but it is kinda wrong so they need to fix it…which on Saturday I let them know about and they are working on it.

But on Friday I was annoyed because of course my husband had been drinking by the time I got home from work. His excuse is that they are finally working on fixing the other car that was in the accident that happened in December, so he felt relieved from all the stresses it was all causing and he had to have a drink. Let’s not forget that he asked me for money on Thursday, which I gave him, and even though he claims he didn’t use it in the end, and is willing to give back to me, the money was going towards buying himself alcohol.

 he decided he was going to take me out for lunch. Of course things didn’t start off well as I was in a bad mood due to him not answering his phone 7+ times and making me wait outside our flat for him for over 40 minutes. After some long driving we got to the destination and he ordered a whole bottle of wine, I don’t like wine and he knows that but he was insistent that he wanted to treat me and have us do something different from what we normally do. I thanked him profusely as I do appreciate that, but due to his drinking and holding me up I was in a bad mood.

So we barely spoke and when we did it was pretty much argumentative.

He asked me a few questions which I couldn’t reply to as I didn’t have the right answers for him and the last thing I wanted was getting him further upset, which the lack of my answering did anyway (he read in-between the lines)

• I am always fitting the bills and making sure that all is going well in our flat and unless I ask him I don’t feel as if I get any contribution from him
• I know he doesn’t literally mean to be leaching off me but without even thinking about he knows he can ask me or expect it all from me

• Well, that was any easy YES! But I am not going to lie and say that I wish I didn’t

• 50/50
• I know he would never hurt me
• But I do have my reservations about him and how he does things.
• yesterday he left to go and see his cousin, but when he left he took both my car keys and his, the whole time he was gone I kept looking to see if my car was still parked where I had parked it the last time I drove it

On Saturday he was on a mission to buy Edibles…

  

Yesterday morning he served me a bowl of Jelly Sweets and a yoghurt. I remember I was busy reading my kindle while I ate the yoghurt. A lil while later I dipped into the sweet bowl of what I believed to be…

   But I remember that somewhere in the midday my eyes started feeling really heavy and I couldn’t focus on what I was reading or what was on tv (playing in the background) and I remember falling a sleep often and then waking up feeling very confused.

I asked my husband if he put any of the CBD gummies in the mix he gave me and he promised me that he didn’t. I have told him many times how I never plan on consuming weed in any form again, after my last episode after eating so much of it. I can’t help but query on weather or not he did and wondering if I trust him enough to believe that he didn’t and if he did in fact drug me what the fuck am I going to do.

While we were driving back on Saturday from the wine farm he spoke about how he will move in with his mother, sister and her kids since I believe that he is leeching on me and with all the tension between us.

I didn’t tell him he should go or stay but I don’t want him to go but I don’t like how I am questioning on weather or not he drugged me yesterday and furthermore my feelings of how I feel as if I am being used and as if he is leeching on me and how he drinks whenever he has the money to buy alcohol.

• our joint account still hasn’t received his transfer
• he has yet to give me the necklace he was adamant of getting me…   last month which never happened and so he was going to get it when he got paid (he has been paid but he hasn’t given me the necklace)

But now being honest I am personally having a lot of turmoil thinking about my savings and what I earn and everything to do with money particularly after speaking to my father..

 …she will pay me back when she gets her money from the Road Accident Fund.

• I don’t know when the RAF will pay her. According to them her name wasn’t on the system and according to her lawyers she is still one of the many claimants needing to be paid and they don’t have an ETA on when they will be paid
• I have a history of not being able to fully trust her and even though she claims that once she has the house, she will never ask me for money again, I know that she will ask me again
• I really want to help her and not doing so has made me feel heavier and hard on myself, what kind of person am I when I am not going to help my own mother?
• My adopted father may not have said it directly but said he would be watching my bank account to make sure that I don’t give her any money

I am a lil mixed with him holding me back from helping my bio mother out, but I totally get where he comes from and buying her a house is really asking a lot from me and even if she says she will pay me back I have no guarantee of that. FUCK!!

 I don’t want to harm myself, but wouldn’t it be great if I just wasn’t around anymore and didn’t have to deal with all this shit?

 It is so not fair that life seems to be going well for everyone else I know or once knew…

• they are happily married
• they have good paying jobs
• they have kids

Although besides them having kids the rest can all be false and social media pics are just smoke screens hiding what is really going on behind the smiles.

All this outside baggage from everyone leaning on me is so heavy and exhausting.

 I was expecting a baby

 I lived in a house

 everyone that I loved was well off

 I had a husband I could lean on and would just make sure everything was fine and so just washing a dish and cooking supper would be all that was asked of me

 I chose I different life for myself